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Mick Fleetwood was a 9-foot tall man who most resembled Robert Wadlow's older brother. Sam Fox was a pair of breasts in high heels. And she needed high heels because she was only 2-foot tall – and that was mainly tit. Hilariously, the organisers had decided to pair them together. So you can guess what happened next.
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Michael Jackson had planned to have himself reincarnated as the Son Of God on live TV. He was essentially going to topple Christianity and replace it with Michaelianity in British primetime. To this end, he had spent nine months digging nails into his palms in order to create convincing stigmata. He had stored over 10,000 litres of holy water in a reservoir beneath the concert hall. He had his armed goons stationed around St Peter's in Rome, just waiting for his signal.But then Jarvis Cocker, the only sane and wise man in Britain, stood up to this bloated egomaniacal heresy. Climbing onstage, Jarvis inserted various objects into his rectum for nearly 30 minutes: starting with a brochure, and ending with an entire water decanter, until the sheer indignity of what he was doing persuaded Jacko that the time was not right to establish a new world order. Jarvis died as a result of his Herculean efforts (and the water decanter), but has since been revived and pronounced Christ Of Britain.
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While performing with The Spice Girls, Geri Halliwell wore a short dress with a Union Flag on it. But you could see her knickers. Everyone knew immediately what the implications of that were. Beneath the knickers, the flange. And beneath the flange, the softer bits of flange.Scandalised, a nation could only look on agog as Geri preached a twin gospel: one, she was British. Two: she was a radical girl power feminist engaging in a kind of Baader-Meinhoff of knicker-flashing. Instantly, a generation of tween girls understood two things: one, they were British. Two: the best way to attract a man is through radical feminism of the sort Geri was engaged in.PRESCOTT VERSUS CHUMBAWUMBA
In 1998, John Prescott was the symbol of everything New Labour had become: a government. They made policy. They spoke in the House Of Commons. They carried red boxes. A nation retched under their foul yoke. Until, that is, plucky anarchists Chumbawumba decided that the world would be better off if they engaged in reasoned debate with Prescott about the importance of labour market reforms.So they got a big bucket of water. And Danbert Nobacon ran out front and poured it over the Deputy PM. Sadly, Prescott had them all executed for making him look silly, and so New Labour would continue to flourish in its evil for many more years.ADELE FLIPS THE BIRD
Having been absolutely massive all year, it came as no surprise when Adele won the album of the year gong. What did come as more of a surprise was when James Corden came and cut her off mid-way through her acceptance speech. Shortly after she'd finished thanking God, her agent, her parents, everyone who ever believed in her, everyone who ever had a dream, the industry, Krispy Kreme, Len Deighton and the inventor of the minor key piano ballad, Adele's flow was cruelly cut in half by international hate figure James Corden. Corden told the audience that Adele wasn't going to be allowed to keep on talking indefinitely because even the universe was essentially finite.Well, as you can imagine, Adele was heartbroken. She had been dreaming of this moment all her life. And that dream had never once featured a sudden coda in the form of James Corden. What happened next was essentially the final scene of Carrie writ large. Adele raised her right hand. She put four of her fingers down, in a kind of fist. She left one up. The middle one. That finger became a monument to sticking it to the man that would last for all time, a British version of RATM playing on top of the White House with Hugo Chavez on bass and the "indie guy" from that year's X Factor on keytar.Follow Gavin on Twitter: @hurtgavinhaynesImage by Marta Parszeniew.Previously: Why I Feel Sorry for the Pope Who Hung Up On God
