Cats Who Shop: One Man's Story

Yesterday, I was just minding my own business as usual when I decided to pop into a neighborhood deli here in New York City to pick up a few things before I had a goddamn seizure or something. Anyway, it was at this point that I encountered the cat pictured above and my mind was basically blown forever. Don’t get me wrong—I’ve seen a lot of animals shopping before and more often than not the animal in question is a cat, but this particular cat, however, seemed different, even for a cat that shops. I first noticed him (pretty sure it was a dude), poking around the large bottles of vinegar located on the lower shelves. What does a cat need with vinegar, I’ll never ever know, but whatever. Anyway, he occasionally made little high-pitched noises as he did this. They weren’t meows exactly, but more like the grunts of a goddamn crazy person only instead of being a person it was a cat.

After scoping out the bottles of vinegar for a while (He treated each one like it was a totally new and different thing each time, like he hadn’t just looked at another bottle of vinegar like two seconds earlier. What a fucking nutjob.), the cat started pacing back and forth like some sort of crisis hotline operator before suddenly rolling around on the ground like he’d just received the worst news in the world or something. It was insane. Then—just when I was about to call an ambulance for this fucking whacko—the cat starts checking out the lunch buffet like the total shitshow that just went down had never even happened. I know, right?

At first, the cat seemed really into the chicken wings but then was suddenly all about the fried rice, which I could totally see because it actually did look kind of good and not like it had been sitting there for six years like it does a lot of times at those deli buffets. Then the cat made a beeline for the grilled fish.

“Haha—isn’t that just like a cat?” I thought while giving a look to the cat that suggested I was thinking that. Then he just looked at me like I was the crazy one, which was bullshit.

I thought about trying to talk that cat out of getting the fish because it seriously looked disgusting and I wouldn’t have touched it in a million goddamn years unless I was looking to win a pants-shitting contest or something. But then—from out of nowhere—the cat just started sitting there like he’d been zapped from another dimension like on Star Trek and had absolutely no idea what was going on at all. It was at this point that he just started staring at me. And I don’t mean just sort of looking in my direction—I mean fucking staring at me like he was trying to burn a hole right through me. I swear it was like he wanted me dead or something. That’s when I decided to break out my camera.

“If this fucking lunatic tries anything,” I thought. “I want to have that shit documented for when this whole thing goes to court.”

I snapped the photo above and was about to take another when I looked at the first one and discovered that, as it turned out, this cat was possessed by Satan, as evidenced by the glowing eyes that for whatever reason I failed to notice when all the other crazy shit was going on.

Because I didn’t have a fucking deathwish, it was at this point that I decided to ditch my lunch plan altogether and just get the hell out of there because I didn’t need the hassle. As for the cat, he just got up and ran behind the counter at the front of the store like he fucking owned the place. And for the record, the guy behind the register didn’t do shit about it. Yeah, right, like you’re gonna go fucking with some goddamn Satan cat.

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@mrdavehill