Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - First-Date Prep

We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.

I met a guy online last week and we're finally going on a first date. I'm really nervous about making a good first impression. Do you have any tips to help me get ready for my first date?
 - Rhonda

Lady Bun Slaps On Your Face
Getting ready for a date can induce anxiety, like driving, or seeing a mariachi band approach your table at a restaurant. The thing you have to remember is that, contrary to popular belief, you CAN make another first impression. See, throughout the course of this potential relationship your personality will most likely change to suit his needs. That means, he’ll get to know a different “you” at least 30 times over the course of whatever little time this fleeting romance has in store. So leave those worries and pride at home and remember to just have fun. With these cool tips you’ll go from cold feet to a crotch meet ‘n’ greet.

·   It’s much easier to go into a date if you have your hopes set on another man. I call this trick the old “taint ‘n’ switch.” Try falling in love with your cab driver or the guy who sold you your gum at CVS before meeting your date. This will ensure you evoke that “I’m unavailable” attitude that men love.

·   Drinking is a great way to calm your nerves before a date. In fact, the word “alcohol” comes from the Native American word for “Fuck Water,” which is what they called the fermented maize drink they consumed at awkward teepee parties.

·   Wear something that makes you feel good about yourself, like your favorite dress or that pro-choice sandwich board you wore at a college rally once.

·   How about watching ten minutes of any show on TLC to make you feel like Heidi fucking Klum?

What makes first dates so nerve-wracking is also “anticipation,” the same thing that makes suspenseful movies and pregnancy tests exciting. Why not add to that allure and send him some flirty texts to spice things up before you meet eye-to-tits!

·   “I can’t wait to tell our kids about how much fun we had tonight! LOL! But seriously.”

·   “This date will either be exciting because we’ll fall in love or because I’m deathly allergic to 75% of food and liquids.”

·   “Might be running a little late. My therapist thinks I should talk about tonight a little longer.”

Hot Dog Dresses You Up
There’s a lot of things that go into deciding how to get ready for a first date: What to wear, what cologne to choose, how much you’re going to mention that your grandparents were probably Nazis, etc. When dressing yourself, keep in mind that you don’t dress for the job you have, you dress for the job you want! Are you interested in someday getting married? Wear a tux to dinner! Or if you’re interested in just having sex, try a bathrobe with one of those elephant thongs where your dick goes in the trunk! But the main thing dudes need to keep in mind on a first date is: Ladies love an assertive man. So B- E- Aggressive! Here’s some tips on how to show that lady who’s playing Tony Danza in this “Who’s the Boss” scenario:

·   Ladies want to be taken care of! Take the reigns by planning the date! Choose a place to eat, then go that extra mile and send her an outfit that she HAS TO wear. Ladies love being looked after and having no choices!

·   Plan on ordering a steak at dinner to show her you are not anemic. LADIES ARE GENETICALLY PRE-DISPOSED TO HATE IRON DEFICIENCIES! When the steak comes, take one bite, let it fall out of your mouth and say, “I wouldn’t feed this to a dog.” That will show her that you have discerning taste and love animals.

·   Playing “footsie” under the table is a great way to show a lady you’re not afraid of intimacy. Prepare for your date by taping a vibrator to your ankle. Then play the fun game, “Quietly Come at the Table.”

Once your date is humming along, the next big question that will present itself is: how much do I drink? The answer to this question is different for everybody, but we recommend this helpful equation to figure it out: Take your body weight and remove the last number. That’s how many drinks you can have. For example, if you weigh 185, you can have 18 drinks at dinner. This ensures that you won’t feel any first-date jitters, or remember when you shit your pants. Now that we’re good and liquored up, it’s time to “seal the deal” and try and get your lovely date back to your place for a little R&R (Rammin’ and Roddin’). Here are some sweet one-liners that will take you from going home to whack to hittin’ the sack (in that “fucking” way):

·   “What do you say we blow this popsicle stand and then you can blow this popsicle stand?” (Point at dick. A lot.)

·   “You know what I could really go for right now? A cuddle. Just some holding and talking about our day, you into that?” (This is equivalent to saying, “Who wants to go for a ride in the car?” to a dog, then taking him to the vet. The vet in this scenario is your penis.)

·   “Oh my, it’s 11:45! I need to get back to my apartment by midnight or I turn into a pumpkin! And by pumpkin I mean a PUMP-kin.” (Thrust hips repeatedly.)

Got problems? You sure do! But if you have any dating questions email us at hotdogandtheladybun@gmail.com
Follow us! @kurtbraunohler and @albz

Previously - Imaginary Relationships