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A Rooney by Any Other Wayne Would Still Smell as Sweet – Reviewing Manchester United vs. Leicester

Manchester United crushed champions Leicester City 4-1 at the weekend. No one cares about that, though. Most people were more interested in a man who spent the majority of the match on the bench: Wayne Rooney.
Wazzchester United captain Wayne Rooney sat upon his bench throne // PA Images

You probably aren't aware of this trifling fact, but the football club *WAYNE ROONEY* Manchester United won a game on Saturday. They won *ROONEY* in quite convincing fashion, too, putting four goals past *WAYNE* last year's champions, Leicester City. That quartet included a lovely *WAZZA* team goal finished by *WAYNE-O* Juan Mata and, to put the icing on the cake, their world-record signing *WAYNE FUCKING ROONEY* Paul Pogba managed to get his first for United and a chance to show off his superb dabbing technique in front of the Old *THE PLACE THAT WAYNE ROONEY PLAYS FOOTBALL* Trafford faithful.



I'm sorry, can you hear something? It seems that this entirely normal review of Manchester United – with their most expensively assembled squad ever and, in Jose Mourinho, the best manager at the helm since *WAY* Sir *NE* Alex *ROO* Ferguson *NEY* ­– is being repeatedly interrupted by some annoyingly irrelevant noise. This noise is spoiling the flow of the review. The noise is in fact making the review mostly about the noise, even though it's not doing anything to the review except clog it up, slow it down, and generally make it more of a struggle to read.

Ah yes, I've figured out what the noise is – it's Wayne Rooney.

That would be the same Wayne Rooney who has been visibly terrible for club and country this season. The same Wayne Rooney who obviously doesn't fit into a team alongside Ibrahimovic, Pogba, or any of the attacking players that are, y'know, actually playing well right now. The same Wayne Rooney who, once dropped from the team, watched his side hammer the current Premier League champions at a canter.

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After United's 4-1 victory, which ended a three-game run defeats, Mourinho was immediately asked the important questions by the BBC, the ones that really matter; you know, the ones about Wayne Rooney.


"He's my man, I trust him completely," replied Jose. "He's as happy as I am at this moment. He's a big player for me, for United, a big player for this country."

Phew, for a minute there I thought Jose was in some way going to talk about the fact that dropping an under-performing player from the starting 11 helped out massively, making United far more efficient in the area that said player occupies. But thank god he's still your man! Wait, Chris Smalling has something to say about the Big Wazz, too:

"Whatever the situation is, whatever game, whether he is on the bench or playing or whatever, he is always that same type of character and that's why he is England's main man and our main man."

So Chris, let me get this straight: you're saying that literally whatever happens, Wayne Rooney is still the main man at Old Trafford. Whatever the situation, even when he's not even fucking playing, Wayne Rooney, somehow, is looming over the team like the giant Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters, plodding around in slow motion, spraying passes 14 metres away from where they should be going, talking to the ref literally every 30 seconds because this is the only control he can actually have over a football match any more. That Wayne Rooney. Right, got it.