When packing your bag for a summer camping music festival, there are a few essential items you must have for guaranteed survival. Sunscreen? Check. Baby wipes? Better have. Peppermint essential oils and a bushel of Salvia Officinalis (that's sage for the botanically uneducated). Done. But in the culture of music festivals in 2015, there's another item that's become a widespread staple. Without it, your festie-future may be as untenable as the mind of a wook.
Obviously, we speak of the totem.
From rave-outs like EDC to farmy extravaganzas like Bonnaroo, totems are ubiquitous. This year at Electric Forest in Rothbury, Michigan, you couldn't walk two paces across the grass without gazing upon some bizarre, hilarious, and sometimes—impressively creative totem raised above you.
Like the music and crowd at the festival this year, the totem-vibe shifted this year in the Forest, with a new focus mainly pertaining to obsession with dicks, butts, dick-butts, Bassnectar, memes, and free gifts. I.E—hugs, high-fives, snacks, and even otherworldly advice.
Like year's past, we hit the woods for some hunting. Here's what we brought home for dinner:
"We added fur this year, I wanted to make it cuddlier."
"The dry erase is great, someone started twerking all over us earlier, we forget we changed it to read 'shake your booty.'"
"I just love Peter Pan!"
THUMP: What do you have?
Bearded man: Open your hand [Drops one peanut into my hand] THUMP: Does this have acid in it?
THUMP: Why do you love totems?
Drew, Grand Rapids: I think they capture a bit of our modern culture, this is Bubs from Trailer Park Boys.
"It was just the most beautiful out of all the available flowers."
"WE ARE THE KEEPERS OF THE PHOENIX!"
" We added a 3D-printed propeller this year."
THUMP: Do you actually have?
[Friend casually slips gum into my pocket]
Gum guy: We don't false advertise.
"My brother overdosed from heroin four times, so I'm out here spreading opiate awareness."
THUMP: So, any calls?
Lost dick dude: A few texts to meet up and smoke a bowl.
It's not the size of your totem man, but how you use it.
Eric, Texas: Pizza is always watching you, it knows when you haven't had your slice.
THUMP: Is that a metaphor?
Now can you transfer some money into my checking account already?!
THUMP: Why a cupcake?
Brandon: Ask my girlfriend So…..
Brittany (girlfriend): Because they're delicious! At least ten people have tried to eat it so far, but it's still intact.
"I love bacon way too much man."
"I'm just holding it for a friend I swear."
"This is Carl the internet llama. He got himself a little boo-boo yesterday, but he's ok."
THUMP: Alright man, what's with all the dicks?
Dick dude: I get special dick privileges dude! It allows me to cut all the lines and get straight to the front of the crowd. Worked like a charm last night at Bassnectar.
"IT'S RUTH BADER GINSBERG!"
"My best friend Taylor just passed away two weeks ago, he was hit by a drunk driver on his motorcycle. He went fast and lived a good life and always is going to be here with us. I love totems at Electric Forest, so it seemed like the best way to have him so close to us throughout the weekend. "
David assures you that no totems were harmed in the making of this post. He's on Twitter