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Superintendent Resigns After Allegedly Pooping on High School Track Daily

But he's not going down without a fight.
Drew Schwartz
Brooklyn, US
Mugshot via the Holmdel Police Department

Back in May, a high school in New Jersey got to the bottom of why human turds were showing up on its track "on a daily basis," discovering that—in a twist like something out of a weird, poop-themed Dan Brown novel—the alleged culprit was the superintendent of a neighboring school district. Now, almost three months later, the accused pooper is out of a job.

According to, Dr. Thomas Tramaglini resigned from his gig with the Kenilworth Public School District Thursday. He'd been put on paid leave after the cops allegedly caught him in the act on the school's track, where they quickly arrested him. Now it looks like his days as a suspected serial shitter—and yet somehow still the head of an entire public school district—are over.


"Based on events unrelated to his service for Kenilworth, it has become clear to both Dr. Tramaglini and the Kenilworth Board of Education that his continued service as Superintendent of Schools has become too much of a distraction to the main mission of the district," Kenilworth's Board of Education wrote in an email to staff.

Job or no job, Tramaglini still isn't going down without a fight. He's insisted that he's innocent of any and all fecal-related accusations levied against him, which his attorney called "falsehoods"—telling that Tramaglini "looks forward to his day in court."

"Dr. Tramaglini will continue to fight the allegations made against him in Holmdel, and will also hold those responsible for the malicious narrative that has been spread about him to account for their misconduct," attorney Matthew Adams said in a statement. "No aspect of this difficult decision should be construed as an acknowledgement of guilt. Dr. Tramaglini is steadfast in his resolve, and looks forward to the day when his full story is told."

We, too, are looking forward to hearing the "full story" behind how anyone winds up getting arrested on a high school track with their pants down. If we're lucky, the Mad Pooper and the Shit Bandit might take a hint from Tramiglini, and we'll finally come closer to answering a legitimately confounding question: What's the deal with people pooping in public?

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