Falling for a Younger Man? Ignore the 'Doyan Brondong' Talk and Do You

Age is just a number, unless, of course, you're a woman.

Indonesia has an obsession with finding new ways to classify women. Don't believe me? Well then get ready for a quick language lesson. When you're in your 30s but still unmarried, then you're a perawan tua, or someone who is too old to be "marriage material." When you're still young, say 20, then you're a dede gemes, or a cute, but totally ignorant, kid sister. And when you've done everything "right"—you're 30, married, and raising your first child—then you're a mamah mudah, or a young MILF.

There's no escape; you're either infantilized (dede gemes), fetishized (mamah mudah), or turned into some kind of 30-year-old spinster (perawan tua). So at least dating in your 20s should be pretty safe, right? Wrong. Just ask Chelsea Islan.

The 22-year-old actress is taking a lot of heat for dating a man three years her junior— I know, the audacity, right? Chelsea's new beau, the 19-year-old Daffa Wardhana, is the second younger man she's been seen dating. Before Daffa it was Bastian Steel, who was 18 at the time. People are now starting to call Chelsea "doyan brondong," a phrase that basically means she's "hooked" on younger guys.

Chelsea isn't the first woman to be branded doyan brondong. Recent history is full of older, usually powerful woman, who make gossip headlines once they start dating a younger man. Yuni Shara is 15 years older than Raffi Ahmad. Sophia Latjuba is 11 years older than Ariel Noah. And Wanda Hamidah is 10 years older than Daniel Schuldt.

But what about when an older man appears in public with his own dede-dede? Nothing. That's just normal. What's with the double standard? The idea, apparently, has a lot to do with outdated ideas about gender roles in relationships, explained Elizabeth Santosa, a psychologist. Basically, an older man is a "mature man," the kind of guy who can protect a younger woman. So a woman is basically supposed to move from her dad to another man who basically acts like her second dad. Freud would have a field day with all of this.

"The norm implies that a man is supposed to be older so he can protect a woman," Elizabeth told VICE. "But psychological research all these years has found that age doesn't really guarantee maturity."

Science has been saying the opposite for some time now. Researchers at the United Kingdom's Newcastle University found that the brains of young girls start to show signs of maturity a full ten years before the brains of boys.

But it's also important to remember that none of this really 100 percent proves anything, said Cordelia Fine, a Melbourne-based psychologist who studies sex and gender. There's no such thing as one "fixed" brain for a boy and one for a girl. All developing children are slightly different.

Elizabeth added that maturity alone isn't the only deciding factor in a relationship. After all, who is going around saying, wow, he's/she's so mature? Sometimes relationships are built on more complicated stuff, like a sense of mutual compromise.

"The core of a relationship is the maturity level of each other…and also the level of understanding, and compromise made," Elizabeth said. "That should be the principle of any relationship."

Or maybe some of these younger men just have a mommy complex, Elizabeth said.

"A man who didn't have a father figure growing up might be more comfortable with his mother," she said. "When he grows up, he might seek comfort in motherly figures who are often older women."

But regardless of the reasons why, society still views older women/younger men relationships with a sense of gossipy taboo. Indonesia is a pretty religious place, so maybe some people look back at the story of Adam and Eve and say, "hey, Adam came first, so of course the man should be older," explained Yusar Muljadji, a sociologist from Padjadjaran University, in Bandung, West Java. The dynamic of an older man with a younger woman is just ingrained in Indonesian society, he said.

"My wife happens to be older than me, but she still calls me 'kang' (a Sundanese term for an older man)," Yusar told me with a laugh. "So the problem here is how men are always perceived to hold a higher position in society. Age is not the problem. The prevalent patriarchy is."

Our pop culture perpetuates these ideas. Take a look at historical dramas like Brama Kumbara or Tutur Tinular where women always call the men kakanda and kang mas—two terms used for older men—while the men call women adinda, a term used for younger women, regardless of their age on the show.

Pop culture is often a reflection of real culture. So, of course, a culture that views older men/younger women as the ideal would have laws to support this. That's why the minimum age for men to get married is 19, but for women it's only 16—despite repeated efforts to set that minimum to 18 years old across both genders.

Yusar said that this element of patriarchy indirectly affects Indonesia's rather sexist laws and policies. The minimum age for men to get married here is 19, while women could marry starting from 16 years old, though many are trying to change this law and have 18 as the minimum age for women to get married.

"The fact that man's minimum marriage age is higher than women's implies that men are supposed to be older than women in a relationship," Yusar told VICE. "This is how the perception that men should be older than the women started."

But, seriously, isn't it time to put all this stuff to rest? Can't a woman date whoever she wants without fear of being labeled as obsessed? Can't we all just mind our own business? Can't we just let Chelsea, you know, do Chelsea?