What's Gone On This Week: Three Crushing Blows to Toxic Masculinity!

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a column where NEO – AKA @WELCOME_ZIDANE – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

WITH THE WORLD’S POPULATION EXPECTED TO REACH 10 BILLION BY 2050 EXPERTS HAVE PROPOSED A “PLANETARY HEALTH DIET” THAT PROMISES TO FEED US ALL WITHOUT TURNING THE EARTH INTO A CATASTROPHIC UNLIVEABLE HELLSCAPE.

HAVING SPENT TWO-YEARS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW THE FUCK WE’RE GOING TO CATER FOR BILLIONS OF EXTRA CUNTS IN THE DECADES TO COME, EXPERTS BELIEVE MOVING TO THIS DIET (GREENER) IN PLACE OF OUR WESTERN-STYLE ONES (SEE: PIC OF DONALD TRUMP AND HIS BANQUET OF ONE THOUSAND BURGERS) WOULD NOT JUST FEED THE ENTIRE POPULATION BUT KEEP EARTH ENVIRONMENTALLY SUSTAINABLE. IT PROMISES TO REDUCE THE DAMAGING EFFECTS OF CLIMATE CHANGE, SOIL EROSION, DEFORESTATION AND LOSS OF BIODIVERSITY WHILSE PREVENTING AROUND 11 MILLION PREMATURE DEATHS ANNUALLY.

THIS PROPOSED PLAN WILL REQUIRE CHANGES TO DIETS IN PRETTY MUCH EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD. RED MEAT AND SUGAR CONSUMPTION WOULD HAVE TO HALVE AT LEAST, WHILE THAT OF NUTS, FRUITS, VEGETABLES AND LEGUMES SUCH AS BEANS AND CHICKPEAS MUST DOUBLE. BUT THE REPORT SEEMS TO SUGGEST THAT IF WE MAKE THESE ADJUSTMENTS WE WOULD BE HEALTHIER AND PERHAPS NOT HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN i) A WATERWORLD-TYPE LIFESTYLE OF KNIFE-FIGHTS ON RAFTS MADE OF TYRES, OR ii) SCOURING DESERTS FOR WATER WHILST BEING CHASED BY SOME UNCLE FESTER-LOOKING CUNT A LA MAD MAX, BECAUSE WE CAN’T BEAR THE IDEA OF REASONABLE CHANGE.

A THIRD OF PEOPLE IN THE UK HAVE ALREADY REDUCED OR ELIMINATED THEIR MEAT CONSUMPTION, BUT THIS DIET WILL STILL BE A HARD SELL TO THE AVERAGE BRITISH PUNTER. EVEN WHEN WE DECIDED IT WAS BEST PRACTISE TO FEED INFECTED SHEEP BRAINS TO COWS FOR YEARS, THE IMPENDING SPECTRE OF DEATH VIA MAD COWS DISEASE DIDN’T STOP US EATING RED MEAT. SO ARMAGEDDON PROBABLY ISN’T GOING TO EITHER.

THAT SAID, THIS WHOLE REPORT HASN’T TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT GENETICALLY MODIFIED CROPS OR TEST-TUBE GROWN MEAT WHICH APPARENTLY WILL BE IN THE SUPERMARKETS WITHIN THE NEXT FEW YEARS. SO, WHO KNOWS.

PERSONALLY, I ACTUALLY THINK A PETRI DISH-GROWN CHILLI CON CARNE MIGHT BE OUR ONLY SHOT AT SALVATION

SHAVING GIANT GILLETTE HAS BEEN BESIEGED WITH ABUSE AND PRAISE THIS WEEK AFTER STOKING THE FIRES OF SOCIAL MEDIA WITH AN ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN THAT ENGAGES WITH THE #METOO MOVEMENT.

THE AD, TITLED ‘WE BELIEVE: THE BEST MEN CAN BE’, RIFFS ON THEIR TAGLINE “THE BEST A MAN CAN GET” AND FEATURES NEWS CLIPS OF THE MOVEMENT, AS WELL AS IMAGES SHOWING SEXISM IN FILMS, IN BOARDROOMS, ON THE STREETS AND FIGHTING BETWEEN BOYS. IT IMMEDIATELY WENT VIRAL.

DUNCAN FISHER, HEAD OF POLICY AND INNOVATION FOR THE FAMILY INITIATIVE, WELCOMED THE COMPANY’S SHIFT IN MESSAGING. “THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN WHO WANT TO STAND UP FOR A DIFFERENT TYPE OF MASCULINITY, BUT FOR MANY THERE HAS NOT BEEN A WAY FOR MEN TO EXPRESS THAT, WE JUST NEED TO GIVE THEM A VOICE,” HE SAID. “OBVIOUSLY THIS IS AN ADVERT CREATED BY AN AGENCY TO SELL RAZORS BUT IT REPRESENTS AN ATTEMPT TO CHANGE THE DIALOGUE”.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE THOUGHT OF MALE SELF-IMPROVEMENT EXTENDING BEYOND GOING TO A CROSS-FIT CLASSES AND DROPPING FLUORESCENT CAPSULES OF SHARK TESTOSTERONE PROVED TOO MUCH FOR SOME, AND THREATS OF A “GILLETTE BOYCOTT” SPREAD ACROSS THE INTERNET LIKE A LITMUS TEST FOR PEOPLE WITH TINY COCKS. MEN’S RIGHTS ACTIVISTS FEEL THEY ARE BEING “EMASCULATED” BY AN ADVERT HIGHLIGHTING BASIC ISSUES WITH SOCIETY, WHILE OTHERS SAID THE MAGNITUDE OF THE RESPONSE CALLED FOR A WIDER ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE DAMAGE DONE BY TOXIC MASCULINITY.

GILLETTE, WHO ARE OWNED BY THE MULTI-NATIONAL PROCTER & GAMBLE, SAID THE ADVERTISEMENT WAS PART OF A BROADER INITIATIVE FOR THE COMPANY TO PROMOTE “POSITIVE, ATTAINABLE, INCLUSIVE AND HEALTHY VERSIONS OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN”. BUT SOME WILL SAY THAT REGARDLESS OF ITS MERITS IT'S “VIRTUE SIGNALLING” BY A COMPANY THAT DOESN’T ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THE ISSUE.

I THINK IT WOULD BE NAÏVE TO BELIEVE P&G CARE ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN THEIR SHARE PRICE. BUT IF THIS IS THE SHITTY FRAMEWORK CAPITALISM WILL CONFINE US TO WHILE IT KILLS THE PLANET, AT LEAST WE TAKE SOLACE IN WATCHING “4CHAN BROS” TWEETING PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES BINNING THEIR GILLETTE FUSION PRO-GLIDE. ALL OF WHOM WILL UNQUESTIONABLY FISH IT BACK OUT THE RUBBISH LATER THAT EVENING BECAUSE IT COST 22 QUID.

YET ANOTHER CRUSHING BLOW TO MEN THIS WEEK AS “UPSKIRTING” – THE DERANGED PRACTICE OF PHOTOGRAPHING UP A PERSON’S SKIRT/DRESS WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT – HAS FINALLY BEEN MADE A CRIMINAL OFFENCE IN ENGLAND AND WALES AND COULD NOW SEE OFFENDERS FACE UP TO TWO YEARS IN JAIL.

GINA MARTIN, WHO DECIDED TO LAUNCH A CAMPAIGN AGAINST UPSKIRTING, EXPLAINED: "EIGHTEEN MONTHS AGO I WAS UPSKIRTED AT A MUSIC FESTIVAL AND I DECIDED I WASN'T GOING TO BRUSH IT OFF. I WAS TIRED OF 'IGNORING IT'. I FELT THIS WAS WRONG AND I WAS ASTOUNDED TO LEARN THAT UPSKIRTING WASN'T A SEXUAL OFFENCE.” IT CAUGHT THE ATTENTION OF LIB DEM MP, WERA HOBHOUSE, WHO BROUGHT A PRIVATE MEMBERS' BILL TO PARLIAMENT BACKING THE CREATION OF AN "UPSKIRTING OFFENCE".

IT WASN’T ALL PLAIN SAILING THOUGH. LAST SUMMER THIS BILL WAS EXPECTED TO BREEZE THROUGH THE COMMONS BUT PARLIAMENTARY RULES MEANT IT ONLY REQUIRED ONE MP TO SHOUT "OBJECT" TO BLOCK ITS PROGRESS. QUELLE SURPRISE, CONSERVATIVE MP SIR CHRISTOPHER CHOPE OBJECTED, ADDING TO HIS ALREADY OUTSTANDING TRACK RECORD OF FILIBUSTERING PRIVATE MEMBERS' BILLS ON A POINT OF PRINCIPAL.

DESPITE THE BEST EFFORTS OF THIS “KNIGHT OF THE REALM”, GINA'S CAMPAIGN SECURED THE GOVERNMENTS BACKING AHEAD OF IT BEING APPROVED IN THE HOUSE OF LORDS THIS WEEK. WERA HOBHOUSE EVEN DEFENDED CHOPE AT THE TIME. “HE HARDLY KNOWS WHAT UPSKIRTING IS, I THINK. IT’S JUST HE DOESN’T LIKE PRIVATE MEMBER’S BILLS”, SHE SAID.

THIS WOULD STRIKES ME AS A TAD SYMPATHETIC TO THIS ARCHETYPAL POORHOUSE MASTER CONSIDERING HE PUT FORWARD 47 PRIVATE MEMBERS BILLS LAST PARLIAMENTARY SEASON, INCLUDING ONE THAT WOULD ALLOW GPS TO CHARGE FOR APPOINTMENTS.

GINA MARTIN ALSO SAID IT’S BEEN A "STEEP LEARNING CURVE" IN HOW THE POLITICAL SYSTEM WORKS.

I FUCKING BET IT HAS.

@WELCOME_ZIDANE