Most people don’t enjoy viewing themselves as a victim, but falling into a victim mindset after experiencing pain or trauma can feel comfortable and validating. However, there’s a major difference between enduring challenging circumstances (e.g., a scary diagnosis, a horrific trauma, a debilitating injury, etc.) and taking on the role of the “victim” in every aspect of your life. According to a therapist, here’s how to spot the difference and rise above the victim mindset.

Being a Victim vs. Playing the Victim

It’s often difficult to distinguish between someone who has been a victim and someone who is playing the victim, because these experiences typically overlap. For example, an individual who has been betrayed, treated poorly, or victimized in any way can slip into victimhood as a coping mechanism or even learned behavior. It’s important not to demonize playing the victim, but to identify ways to empower people to take accountability for their lives and healing. It’s okay to admit you were wronged or are battling an unfair situation. How you decide to move forward matters most.

“A common reason people get into this ‘victim’ mindset (which is a learned behavior) is that it helps them avoid taking responsibility for things outside of their control,” says Stephanie Lewis, MSW, LCSW, LICSW, CCTP, C-DBT, VP of Clinical Operations of Epiphany Wellness. “While it’s okay to feel powerless sometimes, if you’re constantly emphasizing your lack of power, then you’ll likely struggle with making decisions, drawing healthy boundaries, and accepting help.”

Playing the victim might actually further harm you and hold you back from getting the support you need, especially if it causes you to push away those closest to you.

Are You Playing the Victim in Your Own Life?

Many of us fall into the victim mentality at some point in our lives. In fact, some people even consider it an important part of processing your traumas and accepting what you’ve been through. However, lingering in this mentality for too long can strip you of your own autonomy and personal power.  

“You will know if you have fallen into this mentality by the way you react to solutions,” Lewis says. “When given options for moving forward after something has happened, those who are actually trying to work through a difficult time might take a little while to start acting on some of these options. They will eventually accept and use them, however.” 

“Those in the ‘victim’ mentality tend to reject solutions; there is always one thing wrong, and they will continue to go back to how everyone else did them wrong,” she continues. “There will also probably be evidence of extreme black-and-white thinking (all-or-nothing), intolerance for feedback from other people, and an overall feeling of injustice when held accountable for anything.”

Lewis adds that those who play victim often view accountability as invalidation. However, taking accountability does not mean your pain isn’t real, nor does it mean you’re a horrible person who is irreparable. Rather, it gives you more power and control over how you choose to move forward.

“In evaluating whether you are currently using the ‘victim’ mentality, consider your ability to believe two opposing thoughts: I was done wrong, and I still have choices regarding my response,” Lewis says. “Accountability does not mean that you were not harmed; it means you had a choice about how you respond to the harm.”