Astro Roast is a column in which astrologer Danny Larkin drags each sign, but affectionately!!
Pisces are known as the space cadets of the zodiac—they’re often described as imaginative dreamers, semi-psychic empaths, or sensitive crybabies. They cherish living in the moment, but for many Pisces, that means losing sight of the pragmatic details that make life work, which they find utterly mundane.
Pisces get off on daydreaming and are forever imagining beautiful, borderline cinematic scenarios that they’re not actually working to make a reality. The closer you get to a Pisces, the more you’ll discover their continuous, elaborate inner monologue of nonsensical illusion. A Pisces will picture their dream wedding instead of updating their OKCupid profile or mustering the courage to talk to other single people. A Pisces considers "professional development" envisioning their dream job instead of hustling to meet their quarterly goals or attending that networking event. A Pisces "moodboards" about redecorating their home, but puts off going to Home Depot or IKEA in order to make it happen. Don’t waste your time by asking a Pisces to get off their ass and do something—most reality checks made out to a Pisces will bounce. You’re better off just smiling and nodding as they rattle on about their dreams for a better tomorrow. (Hey, it could be worse—you could be stuck with a Sagittarius as they deliver a 20-minute lecture about CrossFit!)
Pisces are impossible to pin down when it comes to scheduling. If you want to take it personally for the rest of your life, you can, but it would be a waste. It’s better to just plan on your Pisces friend being late. They’re usually tardy to group dinners or big parties, but somehow, they manage to be exactly on time for plays or movies because they don’t want to miss a minute of storytelling fantasy. If a Pisces forgets to respond to a text or ghosts on plans they made last week, it’s only because something so magical came their way that they had to drop everything to soak it in. Unfortunately, that leaves the rest of us wanting more from our flaky fish friends.
Pisces are deeply sensitive, which explains why they can be shapeshifters who change their personalities or adapt their mannerisms to better suit other people’s tastes. You can always tell a Pisces by their disparate, incoherent wardrobe—they buy clothes to earn approval from certain friends rather than to express themselves: They’ll wear all black around their goth friends, then head-to-toe J. Crew around a preppy crowd.
In a grander sense, a Pisces’ sensitivity is a double-edged sword—they often sacrifice their own authenticity to placate others’ wishes and whims. Pisces are so attuned to others’ needs that they de-prioritize their own feelings and refuse to open up about their struggles—hurting themselves and their friends in the process. People born under this sign have an unhealthy tendency to keep all their pain inside, even though they encourage everyone else to be open about their own feelings. A Pisces will be the first person at a party to take care of a drunk friend or comfort a pal who just got dumped, but they’ll be the last person to talk about their own troubles.
When a Pisces finally does open up about their problems, it’s because they’ve screwed things up beyond repair. So what should be a straightforward account of how things got so fucked up turns into a flimsy excuse—or worse, an exploitation of trauma—to get away with mediocrity. For example, a Pisces will experience a death in the family but not tell anyone at work because their colleagues are dealing with their own hardships. She’ll take on extra projects and tell herself she can suffer through it, but in reality, her work falls to the wayside. Eventually, she lets things snowball until it’s time for her big presentation—and all she can do is stand in front of the room and cry!
Once a Pisces reaches their breaking point—especially in romantic relationships—their blowouts with other people can be described as "oppression olympics," where it feels like you’re competing over who’s experienced the most pain in life. Pisces wants slack after sharing their deep, dark trauma, but take offense if someone else does the same. Some Pisces will take that one step further and decide never to open up on their own again, burying their trauma and emotions until another major screw-up forces it out of them. All of us have been through shit. But Pisces have no idea how infuriating it is to feel like if they’d shared the truth with you just a little bit earlier, you could have helped! That’s the problem with Pisces—though they’re always the first to offer help, they are totally oblivious to the fact that others can help them, too.
At work, Pisces love to put on a happy face and discuss the company’s future—but their optimism can be a bit much. They somehow convince themselves that all competitors will disappear out of thin air, new startups won’t disrupt the market, and the company is one bright idea away from striking it rich. Eventually, everyone in work conversations with Pisces starts to roll their eyes, and the boss cuts Pisces off to intimate that what the company actually needs is for some employees to stop blowing off internal meetings, come to work on time, and meet those pesky deadlines. There is an awkward silence after the statement clearly directed at Pisces, but they don’t notice because they’re too busy reading articles while pretending to "answer emails."
In love, Pisces is prone to embodying the classic case of falling more in love with the idea of a person than the reality of them. Pisces are naturally romantic and easily fall in love with suitors who excite their imaginations. They seek people who fit their vision of a "perfect" partner—usually creative people who pull out romantic gestures, like showing up to a date with flowers—but often attract manipulative characters who can read a Pisces’ desires like a book and con their way into a relationship with one. A Pisces won’t realize this dynamic until it’s too late, and often end up feeling exploited or shortchanged by love. There are plenty of jerks in the world who are more into head games than true affection—unfortunately, a Pisces will entertain them all on their quest to find real love.
Pisces is a water sign, represented by two fish swimming in opposite directions. Water is an element that symbolizes emotions, and Pisces can feel the emotional tides in a room better than anyone else. They’re often most attracted to wild and eccentric artist types who create the biggest waves—and while that’s great for a night you’ll never forget, this personality type might not be the kind you can depend on when the going gets tough. When it comes to relationships—romantic or otherwise—Pisces must try harder to see past their fantasies to evaluate their realities.
Pisces season (February 19–March 20) coincides with late winter, when the frozen ground begins to thaw and make way for spring. It’s an exciting time of year when we all anticipate blooming flowers. This optimism is the crux of Pisces, who can always sense the first inklings of an oncoming shift. But Pisces must remember that excitement isn’t a good enough excuse to abandon self-care and hard work. Even though we’re all looking forward to spring, we’ve still got to wrap ourselves in giant coats until its arrival. It doesn’t do you any good to run into a cold, dark winter’s day to celebrate things that haven’t happened yet.
What's in the stars for you in September? Read your monthly horoscope here.
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