There's no other way to describe it, this Question of the Day is just all around gross. It's something that's possibly never crossed your mind, or maybe it has, but hopefully you've repressed it as quickly as possible and moved on. Otherwise, you'll never really be clean again.
Here's the hypothetical: Could you bring yourself to fuck a disease- and boil-ridden human with dandruff so bad it brings back memories of your first trip to the snow? This person isn't just ugly on the outside, they club baby seals for fun, and have a Swastika tattooed on their forehead. But it still might be less traumatic than the alternative—walking in on your mum and one of your siblings getting down and dirty in the bedroom.
Both of these should make you feel the need to projectile vomit, but you have to pick one. Boil boy vs your brother as your new dad. We hit the streets with the intention of making everyone feel awkward, and to finally get some answers.
VICE: So Paul, would you rather have sex with the ugliest person in the world, or catch your mum and one of your siblings in bed?
That's a really horrifying question but, without a doubt, sex with the ugliest person in the world.
Can you tell me why?
It'd be way easier to deal with I think, because sex is kinda nice, and at least you get something good out of that. But watching my siblings and my mum would be just so weird and gross, and leave me with nothing but nasty, nasty memories.
From your point of view, how do you define "ugly"?
I don't think anyone actually is. I think there's something beautiful about most people in most ways. Ugly comes from actions, and horrible things people do, I don't think it's about physical traits.
What are some of the ugliest traits you've come across in people?
People that are hateful for no reason, really narrow minded deliberately. Maybe someone who is one of those modern day Nazis?
Okay, so the person you're having sex with has bad breath and no teeth, boils all over their body, probably some contagious disease. Now I've painted that image, does that change anything for you?
No, but I have an odd take on that. I'm someone who cared for a dying parent, and I'm someone who's cared for people in the past with really complicated physical issues. I think that part of being a kind person is you can't be grossed out by something that people have no control over. So no it doesn't make it harder or easier.
Would you feel ashamed at all?
There was a time when I slept with someone who was very pretty, but was a really horrible person, although the sex was fun, but he was just so awful that it's the only time I've regretted sleeping with someone.
Which one, Sam?
Definitely have sex with the ugliest person in the world.
Do you think "ugly" is more about personality than physical features?
I think the two work together. Like, you look how you feel. If someone is ugly on the inside, then they generally are on the outside as well. I don't think it matters if they are "classically defined" as attractive or whatever. If they're gross on the inside, their toxicity reeks.
If they were the loveliest person in the world, but the most repulsive person you've ever laid eyes on, would that make the situation any easier?
Well, sex is feeling-based and it's more about touch than sight. And, you never know, just because a person doesn't look good, doesn't mean the sex won't be.
Would you be ashamed to tell people about sleeping with the ugliest person in the world?
If it's this or watching your family in bed together, then I would not be ashamed of this at all. The main way I deal with information like this is by being honest, so I don't think I'd have an issue telling people if they asked. Obviously I wouldn't go to social media or anything, because I'm not one to kiss and tell. But, like, I reckon I'd tell the boys, I'd have to tell someone about it.
Sex with the ugliest person in the world or seeing your mum and brother in bed together, which one?
Oh man, what the hell? Um… I think I would have to definitely go with sex with the ugliest person.
Because I feel like incest probably ruins lives, and it'd have longer lasting effects on me as a person than the other option.
Yep, fair point. Can you describe the ugliest person in the world to me?
It's going to be different for everyone, but you know that human they built to withstand a car crash? Like it's really small and hairy and wide and has a squished-looking face. Do you know the one I'm talking about? That's what I'm imagining.
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Graham from the TAC road safety ad! Do you think you'd be feel shame if you slept with Graham from the TAC road safety ad?
You never know, I could be reincarnated and come back as the ugliest person in the world if I'm not careful. Maybe [I would be] internally, but I don't think I'd say I was. I'm pretty open about stuff like this, hence why I'm talking to you right now. When I've regretted something in the past, I've bottled it up, but then I got drunk and told my friends.
Is physical attractiveness a large part of why you'd choose to sleep with someone?
When I was younger, definitely. Like, I know that I chose to sleep with people just because of how they looked, even if they were a really awful person. Now I'm a bit older though, I probably wouldn't do that. But if we are talking about the ugliest person in the world though… Maybe I'd just sleep with no one, is that an option?
Sure, if you want to see your sibling get it on with your mum.
This is so disgusting.
Tell me Han, which one is it going to be?
I feel like if I catch my sibling and my mum, that would be serious. But I don't want to have sex with an ugly person… I think I'm too shallow for that.
What kind of person are you imagining right now?
I've never really thought about this before. But I'm imagining quite hairy, a lot of dry scaly dry skin, maybe some boils… oh my god, you know what? I'd rather catch my mum and a sibling together in bed.
I honestly didn't think I'd find anyone who'd pick this option.
I think it was the boils and the flaky skin that did it. You've gotta be physically attracted to them, even if they do have a nice personality. My answer is definitely a selfish one, because it's one step removed from me. I also think that there are ways to get over what you saw, the other option would just ruin sex forever. For me, sex is the most important thing in a relationship.
Why is that?
Because you're not really anything else but friends if you can't have good sex, are you?
How would you deal with seeing you mum and sibling in bed together?
I would moonwalk out of there, A$AP Rocky-style, and probably ask what the fuck they are doing. Would you tell anyone?
Nah. Oh maybe my close friends. Go up to them and be like, "You will never believe what I've just seen!" But, apart from that… nah this is something I'd have to work through on my own.
If you were the only person in your family who knew about this, how do you think events like Christmas lunch would go down after that?
It would make things super awkward. I'd be hyperaware of everything they did together, how they interacted, if they were near each other and that kind of thing, you know?
So you don't think you'd need to reach out to other family members for support?
Actually, maybe I'd tell my sister. I don't want to be the only person in this hell hole of fucked-uppery.
You have to choose, which one are you going for?
Definitely having sex with the ugliest person in the world! I'm willing to take that sacrifice. I also have a sister, so that is just such an uncomfortable thought.
How do you think you'd feel after having sex with the ugliest person in the world?
I don't think I'd care too much, I'd be able to bring it up in conversation quite casually without causing too much of a fuss. I feel like a lot of people would be the same.
Do you think you'd see yourself as superior to this person because of how they look?
That's a loaded question. I don't think so, I think I'd be too traumatised by the experience to be thinking about superiority. I don't know if it's all about looks though. I think I'd feel like I'm better than them if they were really mean, you know, ugly on the inside.
So you could overcome the physical unattractiveness?
Well no, that is important too, most people would say that. I think all humans have, like that sense of superiority we keep hidden under layers of proper behaviour if we know that we are more attractive than another person.
Would you act differently around this person because you know you're better looking than they are?
I'd try and be as nice as possible…
Because you feel sorry for them?
Yeah, it'd be out of pity for sure. I mean this is a dismal situation for everyone all round, isn't it? I think the reason this would happen in the first place, knowing my personality, is because I pity them.
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