I have been breaking into pools since I was 17. My friends and I would climb into this rooftop pool in Hobart and go for a swim under the stars, and while I’m older now, I still haven’t got sick of it. In fact, a few weeks ago, I snuck into a Melbourne pool with a very good looking man and we fucked in the water under the moon. And if that’s not magical I don’t know what is.
Now I’m aware that a few of you out there might not have tried breaking into pools. This is a shame and believe me, you’re missing out. So let me walk you through the process.
What do I pack?
If this is a pre-planned mission then you’ll have to be prepared with certain items. Firstly, some easy-to-get-into-sneakers: they’ll help you climb over fences and improve your ability to run. Then you’ll also need a backpack for carrying your shit. Don't bring a cool canvas tote bag; they swing around in unpredictable ways and smash into loud and echoey things. Also backpacks have enough room for all your needs.
And by “all your needs” I mean booze. Specifically tinnies of beer, or plastic bottles of cider. Just something that doesn’t come in glass. Because while jumping fences is ethically defensible, smashing glass everywhere is not.
And then bathers, for swimming in. Although usually when a pool break-in occurs you’ll probably be swimming in your undies or completely nude. But that’s because you were unprepared and didn't read this.
Finally, confidence. You’ll need this for swinging legs over fences, and for the ability to live proudly with a cut up shin and a bruised thigh. You’ll get these from climbing and there’s no way around it so just embrace it. And you’ll also need confidence for when the night cleaner comes out and asks what you’re doing and you’ll need to explain how you “got lost.”
Who do I bring?
Bring some friends or someone you want to fuck. If it’s a date make sure it’s not a first date because your date might think you’re either a serial killer, or very badass, and neither of those impressions are romantic. Also with the badass thing, they might be into it, in which case you’ll have to keep up the facade and that could lead to heroin. In any case, bring people who are down for adventure and happy to scrape their knees. For the purposes of this article I brought one up-for-anything mate and a couple of people who weren't up for anything and became lookouts.
How do I get in?
First, try the turnstile: it might have a particularly crappy lock on it. If that doesn’t work take a cue from that awful movie Fight Club and throw a towel over fence to reduce scratching. Then stand on your friend’s head and make her regret coming along as you scramble over. Beer usually helps the courage aspect of getting in.
What do I do once I’m in?
Well, usually you just strip down and jump in. But in this particular situation my mate was taking photos of me getting in, and then suddenly we saw someone walk out of the main office. I turned to my friend and we ran back to the fence and the pool guy came after us and we climbed out and ran back to the car. My friend was right when she said “I haven’t felt so alive all year.”
So what do I do if I get caught?
Just get the fuck out of there. If they nab you, say you were lost and you thought it was still open. Just be a real charming idiot and you’ll be fine.
Any last tips?
Yeah: don’t bring bolt cutters. This is not about ruining public property. You don’t want to get arrested when trying to sneak into a pool. Plus, if you do cut a hole in the fence, then the pool owners will probably up the security, which will ruin the fun for all the other generations of future pool-breakers who come after you. Don’t be another future ruiner.
But do have fun.
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