Worst Opinion of the Week: Boris Could Piss On My Mum's Home Any Day

Story: The Tories are doing everything wrong once again and were caught lying to the British public about the NHS.

Reasonable take: I don’t think I should vote for them TBH.

Brain rot: I’m so worried my class interests are going to be challenged at this election that I’d still vote for Boris if he pissed on my mam’s carpet – Darren Grimes.

The British media’s rickety façade of objectivism in UK politics is abject at the best of times, so it’s of no surprise when a general election approaches and the public are provided with an opportunity to vote for mass societal betterment, anyone this would not personally benefit goes tyrannically feral.

So far this has mostly involved a lot of inactivity, like not pressing Boris Johnson for delaying his interview with Andrew Neil, or reporting on anti-Semitism in the Labour party but not realising that Nancy Astor – of whom the Tories literally just erected a massive statue – was a Nazi sympathiser. That sort of thing. But then Brexit campaigner Darren Grimes came roaring through with the statement that he would let Boris shove his dick through the letterbox of his childhood home to save us going the way of Venezuela.

Mainly, I want to know why Tories are so obsessed with sticking their cocks into inanimate holes? But regardless of the answer to that, you simply have to commend a person when “selling our armed forces for tea in Number 10” is the least deranged part of a swivel-eyed of a Corbyn burn.

Can you imagine carrying a child in your womb for nine months and changing his shitty diapers for years and years only for the little cunt to grow up and say he’d happily let you mop up a politician's piss because he’s so terrified of social equality that he’d uncritically vote for him? I honestly can't think of bigger Tory-voting behaving than conjuring up a hypothetical scenario in which they get to lick the boot of Boris Johnson after he takes a slash over a carpet that is close to home – but, crucially, not even fucking theirs – to make a political point.

The base and wanton longing for a supreme Tory overlord to piss through your own mother’s letterbox aside, the argument of voting Conservative to “get Brexit done” is fanciful given that they've presided over the task of “get Brexit done” for three fucking years. And yet, here we are, on the cusp of 2020, no closer to successfully leaving the EU since the 2016 referendum.

Since so many politicians and media commentators like to frame Britain as if it’s a corporate business, largely ignoring the reality it’s a sodden island of despair filled with actual human beings, let’s just conceptualise that we're simply a company called “the UK”. Say the UK employed a team of people on the sole basis they’d complete one job.

Then, when bosses check in three years later, find nothing but a heady smell of Dorito farts and a room full of people watching a “People Are Awesome” compilation on YouTube with absolutely zero progress made. I would find it… improbable that the “business acumen” reaction to that would be to give them a vote of confidence for their “mastery of the deal” and then offer them a five-year contract extension.

It’s evident at times like these that it becomes clear that "the establishment" isn’t just the Tory government – it’s the right-wing rags, the mega rich and big business all working to maintain the status quo. We should have expected some scrutiny when Labour exposed official document on Wednesday showing that UK and US trade talks have repeatedly discussed tearing up protections that keep NHS drug prices down – a stark opposition to Boris Johnson saying that our healthcare “is not on the table”.

Instead of examining the findings of the document, what we were treated to instead was incredulity that the Conservatives would do any of things they said they would do in their secret redacted meeting. The party with a history of selling off our water, gas, oil, electricity, buses, railways, post, public housing stock, rail, telephone and internet infrastructure to their mates private companies in talks about further privatising healthcare? Don't buy it, mate. Let's just wheel out Matt Hancock to repeat the line: “there is no privatisation of the NHS on my watch” like a balding Furby, so we can say "Well, we've it from the horses mouth children, there’s nothing to worry about!” and ignore the fact that £9.2bn of the NHS' budget was already handed to profit-driven health companies last year.

It really did feel like receiving a letter off the Zodiac Killer saying he’s going to murder again and the media response being: “Actually, I don’t think he’s going to do it this time. I know he’s killed in the past and is saying right here explicitly in this letter he’s going to it again, but I just can’t see it happening!”

Is any surprise that when the news broke of the leaked trade documents on Wednesday, the BBC were on hand that day to ask Johnson the real pressing question on the minds of the public: “What’s the correct order of jam and cream on his scones?”

@MULLET_FAN_NEO