For Some Inexplicable Reason Go Home to Change First

You are in front of your mirror and you are tugging slightly at the material around your waist. Does this look right? The light in here isn’t right. Does this look right? You go into the bathroom to look in that mirror where the light is harsher and more direct. Does this look right? You try to take a selfie, angled so it captures your face and also entire body at an acute slash-like angle diagonalled across your screen. Does this look… right? It does not look right. You drink a beer that was cold and crisp from the fridge but has now started to go a little bit flat. You feel a tense knot in your stomach that is either excitement, anxiety or a semi-urgent need to shit. You do not feel like you are ready to go out.

> GO CHANGE

You change. No it’s still— it’s still not right. Jeans! What were you thinking! Jeans!

> GO CHANGE

You have decided you are trying too hard. You try to imagine what the people will be wearing where you are going: they won’t be trying this hard, will they? You want to look good, sure, but not overdressed. You don’t want to look like you came to the club directly from a wedding. But conversely: you don’t want to look so casual that you could get turned away from the door for any reason, your greatest and most predominant fear despite it never happening to you ever in your history of getting mashed.

> GO CHANGE

You are basically wearing what you wore to work today, just slightly more ironed. You’ve wasted 180 minutes.