Sex

How You Deal With a Breakup, According to Your Zodiac Sign

Some of us cry our eyes out, and others book a one way ticket out of the country.
zodiac signs
Illustration by Farraz Tandjoeng

Everybody deals with breakups differently. You can either take Taylor Swift's usual method of name and shame or thank your exes the Ariana Grande way – it's up to you. But as someone who had to call it quits with three different people last month (I'm not kidding, it's a lot, even for a Libra like me), I'll say, stop lying to yourself and go with whatever your zodiac sign is telling you. Just because your friend can forgive their exes in a matter of days, it doesn't mean you should cancel your revenge plan, right, Scorpio? So if you've listened to too much advice from too many people and have somehow forgotten your natural instincts, here's a brief reminder of what you do best when love fails. And because we're all complex signs who at times contradict ourselves, I've also identified an alternative course of action that each sign will take during these tough times. Don't forget to check your birth chart to find out what your Sun and Venus signs are, and read both for a more in-depth analysis

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You: Aries
What you do: Trash talk

A breakup won't be complete for an angsty sign like you without a chance to trash your ex in front of your friends. And theirs, too, obviously. Go ahead and write a few angry confessions on your Instagram story and delete it once you spot your ex in your viewer's list.

Also Aries: You're plotting on getting back together with your ex the next day. No shame, we've all been there.

You: Taurus
What you do: Go on a shopping spree

Go ahead and throw away this month's salary on the new iPhone, designer handbag, or brunch at a Michelin-star restaurant. There are moments when we think we're living the Crazy Rich Asians life, and this is one of them. Splurge now, regret later.

Also Taurus: Murmuring "One day, you'll regret what you did to me," while finishing a tub of ice cream with your shopping bags lying around your living room.


Watch: Why the World Is Still Fascinated with Astrology


You: Gemini
What you do: Party with your peers

Why worry about one ex when you can enjoy the single life? You're on having a wild night out with your best friends, and you'll most likely waking up at a stranger's bed whose first name you don't even remember the next morning. Is it Sean or Shannon, again? It doesn't matter.

Also Gemini: Going back and forth between getting back together with your ex, and thinking they're not even "worth it," because you'd rather buy everyone at the club a tequila shot than actually making up your mind.

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You: Cancer
What you do: 24/7 self-care

Post-breakup is the time for you to focus on yourself. You're channeling that energy to clean your home, bake something nice, hang out with friends who'll always have your back, go to a cuddle party, get a new goldfish, lock yourself in your tiny hideaway, so you can show up for this weekend's rebound date looking more fabulous than ever. It’s called “self-care”.

Also Cancer: "Dear Diary, it's been a while since I made human contact, but it's the 10th time I cried over 'Alone Again' playlist on Spotify. I can totally relate to The Weeknd on a spiritual level."

You: Leo
What you do: Monetize your heartbreak

You're not going to let a breakup slows you down, Leo. This breakup is the perfect content that you can milk to boost your Instagram likes. You'll write a blog post, record a vlog, post a sponsored Instagram content about self-love — anything to show how you came out of this like a winner you are.

Also Leo: You're posting a photo of you looking equally sad and hot because you deserve all the attention. You're shedding a small tear, and your mascara is waterproof. Duh.

You: Virgo
What you do: Get busy

Rather than spending your afternoon crying for the long-lost relationship, you remind yourself that you could've crossed five tasks in your to-do list. Before lunch time you've already picked up the trash, reminded your mom to feed your dog, tried all kinds of scheduling apps, and corrected everyone’s grammar. When anyone asks if you're still thinking about your ex, you respond by boasting about your busy schedule to let them know of your biggest talent — moving on.

Also Virgo: Obsessing over your ex and overanalyzing the breakup chat every day because you want to know the REAL reason why they broke up with you. Who cares if they've already told you?

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You: Libra
What you do: Make to-do kiss lists

You're trying to understand what kind of a degenerate person would let go of a sweet, charming, lover like you. They're making a big mistake. So now is the time to list all of your ex-flings, a cute waiter down the street, or whoever you've been flirting back and forth. Let's see who's available for a rebound. Who's gonna say "no" to you?

Also Libra: Flirting with your ex and sending your cute selfies only to get blocked after your 7th attempt. Stop it, get some help.

You: Scorpio
What you do: Forget your ex ever existed

Not only you'll unfriend, unfollow, block, and delete your ex's pics on your phone, you're also going to delete to make sure none of their memory stays in your mind. Your ex had practically signed up their death certificate by the time they walked out that door. Good luck with trying to retrieve their hoodies, because you're not even going to acknowledge their existence.

Also Scorpio: Creating an anonymous Instagram account to stalk your ex while waiting for them to date someone else, so you can stalk them too.

You: Sagittarius
What you do: Leave the country

Finally, freedom! You're dropping everything and booking your plane ticket right now. Why sulk over an ex when you could've used this moment to travel to wherever you want in the world? You know full well that you can't be tamed. You're silently thanking your ex for doing you a favor when they broke up with you, because now you're free to live the life you've always wanted to live.

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Also Sagittarius: Talk about their exes nonstop. Constant whining. "I just want to speak my truth. I need to let it out," you say. "I DESERVE BETTER."

You: Capricorn
What you do: Do business as usual

Breakups happen all the time, you tell yourself. It's normal, it’s a fact of life, and you can't be bothered to waste your energy in dealing with the aftermath. You're using this time to be more productive at work, so you're too busy to pick up your ex's phone calls. You're racking your brain for an abstract concept called "closure" and you can't find it. So why does your ex keeps on talking about it?

Also Capricorn: Texting, "U up?" to your ex at 1 AM.

You: Aquarius
What you do: Be a logical, reasonable adult

You're not dramatic. Breaking up with someone doesn't mean they're out of your life immediately, right? Yes, it's always better to stay friends with your exes than keeping them at arm's length. In a way, you never really lose them, and vice versa. You tell your ex they can come to you for moral support. You even give them advice on what they can do better in their next relationship. You've mastered the art of closing a chapter gracefully, congratulations.

Also Aquarius: You're monitoring your ex's life updates because you always want to know what they're up to even though you're not trying to date them anymore.

You: Pisces
What you do: Escape your reality

You're not even thinking about the breakup. Because you're in a different world entirely. You're focusing on what's important, which is doing everything you can to ease the pain of a broken heart. This means you're excessively partying, texting three different rebounds at once, sleeping too much and binge eating before you eventually hide in your apartment for days. See? You're totally over them by now. Doesn't that feel good?

Also Pisces: You're telling strangers, "It's not my fault our relationship didn't work out. It's never my fault, you know?" while holding your fourth cosmo of the night.

Canti Widyadhari is a traveling intuitive reader and certified Reiki master, as well as the founder of Foxglove Tarot. She's passionate about raising the awareness of self-love and helping women design their dream lives using tarot, astrology, and reiki healing. Follow her on Instagram.