Most condoms are kind of cringe. I’ll say it. Even if we do only see them in that fleeting, forgettable moment of penile dressing, it can feel cringe to use a condom whose branding would be better suited for a drain cleaner (*cough* Iron Grip condoms *cough*), or the off-brand candy at a dental reception desk (sorry, Durex Tropical). We can do better.
Not that we’re condom snobs, mind you. When we’re about to bone, the last thing on our minds is whether or not the condom we’re using is clashing with our latest personality rebrand. The most important thing, of course, is that we have access to condoms in the first place to protect against pregnancy and STDs/STIs—but I’ll be damned if we can’t do better than a condom that looks like it’s sponsored by a questionable energy drink.
Most condoms smell like hot bubble wrap, or hot bubble wrap sprayed with an off-brand luxury perfume like Aqua for CEO. That is exactly what we won’t be settling for in this humble condom guide. Instead, we’re looking for condoms that have gotten an insane amount of adoration in their online reviews, or condoms that we’ve personally vetted and loved.
We’re living in the era of aesthetic-everything, from glossy, mauve, Tupperware-esque containers to Gen Z-ready mustard bed sheets, and the following condoms speak to that everyday design shift.They’re thoughtfully made to sit stylishly on your nightstand; they’re unscented—or scented subtly, like a spa for one’s penis; and they’re designed with new technologies that make them feel better during use—as well as be more unbreakable, and more stretchable—than ever. So roll up your sleeves, and let’s get into the most bankable spankables...
The versatile condom
This condom has a Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants thing going for it. Somehow, it can fit a variety of small to decidedly above-average penises without skipping a beat, and is made of a near-odorless, polyisoprene that is safe for people with latex allergies. Like Maldon salt or a decent cheese grater, this one is a horny pantry staple.
For a big bosna
When I die, stuff my ashes into a LELO Hex condom, sling it over your shoulder, and walk around town talking about what a benevolent ho I was. Luxury Swedish sex toy company LELO makes the best XL condoms, hands-down, in my book, because all of its condoms are made out of a super thin latex with a uniquely hexagonal material that grips and stretches without breaking. They can accommodate girth, length, and a big pounding. They’re also nearly odorless, save for a barely noticeable sweet smell upon opening that I can only describe as the ghost of a Viennese kardinalschnitte. (For regular sausages, we recommend the original LELO Hex.)
The super-thin condom with great heat transfer
Okamoto is a Japanese condom company known for its thin-fit condoms (and for making condoms that taste like… honey pancakes?). As one reviewer explained, “You can feel your partner's warmth slightly better than other condoms,” and they even win in thinness over Kimono Microthin condoms. They’re a little pricier, but worth it.
An odorless, aesthetic fit
If Matisse moved on to condoms after cut-outs, this would’ve been it. The packaging takes me to a stuccoed French Meditteranean villa, what with the clean lines and spartan design. But that’s how Maude does everything in their sexual wellness arsenal, from the brand’s clay-colored vibrators to its hand-poured massage candles. The only downside? They don’t run very large. But they are truly odorless, and actually feel good—dare I say, enriching? Hydrating?—in your nethers.
Les French ‘Lord of the Rings’ novelty condoms
Again, not big on novelty condoms, but can you imagine gifting these to the horny hobbit(s) in your life? The condom captions read, “The Two Holes,” “You Shall Not Pass,” “The Fellowship of the Anus,” “My Precious,” and, my personal favorite, “The Return of the Finger.”
Well, that does it for now. Unless you want to talk about that TikTok semen sponge?
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.