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The Best Gifts for Scorpio, Other Than Revenge

Wondering what to give the most mysterious sign of the zodiac? Try woodsy room sprays, faux leather dusters, and next-level nipple clamps.
MF
New York, US
October 22, 2021, 8:41pm
Best Gifts for Scorpio
Composite by VICE Staff

Hide your kids, hide your wife: It’s Scorpio season (October 23-November 21), which means it’s time to celebrate the fire sign of water signs. Scorpio is the child of the Zodiac that has probably licked blood off a knife at some point, or dreamed of owning a very loyal pet crow. They play their hand strong and close to their chest. So go the clichés, at least, and as with most clichés, Scorpios exist for a reason; consider some of the most iconic Scorpios, including Bram Stoker, Björk, Travis Barker, and Tonya Harding. These fall babes are intense, moody motherfuckers who have been pigeonholed as the sexy, dark, and mysterious astrology sign, because they usually are. 

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But Scorpio is so much more than their pleather closet and fernet-filled bellies. They love deeply and intentionally (they are a water sign, after all). They’re not passionate by way of Leo’s gregarious energy, nor will they go cliff diving for giggles like Aries, but when they believe in something, they bring that Sk8 or Die energy. They carry far more sensitivity, and a rather sobering sense of judgement than they’re often given credit for, and if they ever appear secretive it’s just because they’re taking some time to sus you out. Can you blame them? 

Scorpio is also ruled by Mars, the planet of war, and Pluto, the planet of extremes, which means a)  they probably wouldn’t be opposed to having an electric spanking paddle in their sex toy pantry, and b) if you do rub them the wrong way, you’re in for some Texas Justice. They can be your worst enemy or best friend in a single day, and we’re kind of into it, which is why we will be gifting the Scorpio in our life prezzies that speak to their need for intensity, privacy, and looking like a leather-clad dime piece...

The perfect leather duster

ICYMI, Abercrombie is hot again in a gabagool-cool, Tony Soprano kind of way. We’re talking about *chef’s kiss* fall pieces such as this faux leather normcore/dadcore duster. We can already smell the sandalwood cologne and cigarettes lingering in the pockets. Please buy this for your Scorpio crush, or at least buy it for yourself so you can become someone else’s proto-Scorpio crush. 

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A room spray that says, “Let’s make out in the woods”

It’s not easy to gain a Scorpio’s trust, but tapping into their sensuous nature with a lowkey sophisticated scent is a clever way to go. This room spray is a blend of amber, moss, teakwood, tobacco, patchouli, and other woodsy scents that will make them realize just how much you ~get~ them, and because it’s a room spray, rather than a cologne or perfume, it will feel like a more nonchalant present. Don’t let ‘em see you sweat, sweet cancers. 

Keep it secret, keep it safe...

… In a safe disguised as a book. Duh. This is where Scorpio keeps the first tier record of their Shit List (the master doc is in their brain).

PACOLO

Diversion Book Safe Storage Box

The key to their trust

There’s nothing like a stainless steel keychain for saying, “My shit is together, and airtight.” Of course Stüssy makes one with a rad gothic font, which your Scorpio will undoubtedly use to open up beers like champ with one hand. Don’t ask us how; we’ll never know.  

Stüssy

O.E. Badge Keychain

Nipple clamps, but make it fashion 

Classic nipple clamps are rad, but they’re the kind of gift you give because it’s a Tuesday, or you’re horny and bored. Which is cool. But a collar-nipple-clamp combo? Now that’s a gift to give your Scorpio for a special occasion. Also, think of how great it’ll look hung over their bed post.  

Lovehoney

Bondage Boutique Black Rose Collar with Nipple Clamps

Roll the dice

Why not? Scorpio is very all-in-or-bust, and once they’ve cemented your friendship they’ll be very down to stay in and cozy up for a night of moderate risk-taking via this classy ass Japanese Yatzy set that makes us feel richer, smarter, and (somehow) like we didn’t fail algebra. 

Printworks

Classic Yatzy Set

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Pegging gear

Have y’all gotten into pegging yet? Consult this well-lubed pegging guide for a breakdown of the best strap-ons, dildos, and accessories for getting into the pegging groove. There are so many different strokes for different folks, obviously, but a leather harness and dildo combo sure would make a nice gift for your Scorpio. 

Switch Leather Co.

The Ramona Harness in Folsom Black

Blush Novelties

Temptasia Twist Silicone Dildo Kit Strap-On

Unwind in Scorpio style

You know what? It’s hard being this hot all the time. Sometimes (a lot of the time), Scorpio just wants to unwind at home with a gauzy robe and a vintage, aesthetically horny magazine or review. We’re partial to Architectural Digest, Stroke, and OUI magazine, but go for whatever tickles their fancy. 

Parachute

Cloud Cotton Robe

Good night and good luck. See you during straight-shootin’ Sagittarius season.   


The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.