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According to Camille, it’s the sexism of “urban rappers” that currently causes every non-white female singer to avoid the bubblegum pop curse and retain a “brazen street sass”. In contrast, the middle class has been coddled by liberalism, breeding a culture of “slacker white boys nagged by the PC thought-police into suppressing their masculinity”, who won’t even slap a bitch for stepping out of line. If my boyfriend doesn't laugh in my face when I drink too many VodCran's and run my mouth off about his ex, or don't shut up when he wants to play Kendrick Lamar's album for the third time, what am I supposed to spend my time fussing about?Quite offensive there, Camille, but not as offensive as your idea that women need to be oppressed to create something viable. If you’re complaining about white girls experiencing less prejudice and therefore being less able to perform properly, you need to seriously reassess your understanding of what a general feminist goal entails. I don’t think you’ve quite grasped it yet. Anyway, step one: Get yourself an abusive boyfriend.2. DON’T SMILE
Smiling – when you’re a fucked up bitch like Katy Perry – is the ultimate deception. We all know that Katy Perry’s marriage failed and she’s never going to be Cher, so the fact that she would even dare to flash a grin makes her look like “a manic cyborg cheerleader, obliviously whooping it up while her team gets pounded into the mud”. Camille should sit Katy down and explain to her all the reasons why it’s totally inappropriate for her to pretend to have a good time when she’s earning all those millions of dollars and living out her dreams. Her life is shit, OK?
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Next is Paglia’s advice to get your kit off, talk about getting your kit off and sing about getting your kit off. Preferably while “lustily imbibing, gambolling in the waves and lolling” around, like Rihanna. Apparently it’s this kind of overt sexuality that represents true freedom of expression for modern women. Frigid girls can get lost, basically. While I can appreciate that the louche, dark sexiness of Rihanna and Beyonce’s music certainly seems to come from a place of experience, it’s slightly worrying that Paglia doesn’t understand the music industry conspiracy to sell records.Sure, the Rihanna stereotype might be less annoying than the Katy Perry one, but it’s still precisely that – a stereotype devised to appeal to a huge majority. However, I have to admit I'm with Paglia re: Katy Perry seeming like possibly the most annoying person in the universe. And despite the whole getting smashed in the face with a Blackberry by the man you love, nobody can really argue with the assertion that Rihanna is basically the "pleasure principle writ large". That's a pretty good description, Camille, I'll give you that.4. DON’T BE BLONDE
Oh yeah, and Camille hates blondes, because all she can see reflected in yellow hair is “the insipid, bleached-out personas of Taylor Swift and Katy Perry”. I’m starting to think that Paglia is actually just kind of insane. She finishes the whole piece with a ramble about how there are no successful grown-up women in Hollywood, having opened with the assertion that Oprah Winfrey was the highest paid woman of 2012, earning nearly $100m more than runner up Britney. Anyway, putting her mental health and personal agenda aside for a minute, Paglia reckons “blonde oppressors” inspire a “cultivated blandness”. I mean, take a minute to think of all those bland bitches. You know, like the Nazis, Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut and Anna Nicole Smith. Yawwwwn. Grab that Crazy Colour and get cultured, girls.
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Oh yeah, unless you have a “multicultural background” or a time machine, you’re pretty much damned to apathy and a nice, non-abusive boyfriend. The only mildly relevant white woman Paglia likes is Madonna, and everyone knows Madonna lost it after American Life. Otherwise you need to be Elizabeth Taylor, Connie Francis, Natalie Wood or somebody else who was lucky enough to be alive during the sexual revolution and is therefore allowed to be a feminist. Get lost, you stupid, young, succesful, beautiful wannabes.Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandesRead more Pretty Girl Bullshit:Why the Hell Would a Woman Want to Become a Bishop Anyway?63 Percent of Girls Want to Show You Their NipplesWe Should All Be More Like Britney