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Meet the Nieratkos: Swimming

This week I made television history by doing my best Anchorman impression and saying some of the most foolish things ever said on live television aside from Howard Cosell saying, “Look at that monkey run,” regarding a black football player on Monday...

This week I made television history by doing my best Anchorman impression and saying some of the most foolish things ever said on live television aside from Howard Cosell saying, “Look at that monkey run,” regarding a black football player on Monday Night Football. We also took our nine-month-old for swim lessons and I got to stare at MILF tits.

Before I get started I would like to apologize to any 40+ year old readers who were offended by my post last week on bad tattoos as a result of a midlife crisis. Turns out the mom of two is actually 34, my age, and she is just clearly losing her mind. Sorry to have lumped her in with the 40+ set.

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We enrolled the baby in swim classes to get him ready for our trip to Portugal next month. No one told me you’re supposed to ease your way into dunking them under water and so I was quickly reprimanded. Luckily, my wife was chewing gum in the pool and was told to throw it away and that made me feel better about myself.

This past weekend I was hired by Fuel TV to do the live “COLOR” commentary for the live broadcast of the Maloof Money Cup. I’ve never done live TV before and you could tell. Pat Parnell and Jeff Pang were seasoned veterans who kept the car going straight ahead and I just kept yanking the wheel and trying to make us drive off a cliff by saying as many lies, untruths and borderline offensive one-liners as I could. Surprisingly most of my feedback has been positive. Aside from the kid that told me I didn’t talk about the skateboarding at all. I told him I wasn’t hired for that. You can watch/listen to me tank any time you like HERE.

I’m pretty sure this is the first appearance of skater turned rapper turned skater/rapper Jereme Rogers aka JR Blastoffs new board brand’s graphics, Shellfish. (Listen to our interview on my site.) I asked him to rap for me and he refused, as usual. He said he was in “skate mode”. There go my dreams of him skating and rapping simultaneously. So instead I did my best rap pose. He was clearly stoked.

Then my friend Torey Pudwill won a couple bucks in the contest and we all went and had fancy dinner of extra bland pasta and absurd amount of white wine. My wife was so proud of Torey that she sqwoze a celebratory shot of tit milk out for him to chase his Yaeger bomb with.

The weekend ended with me seeing the best graffiti ever done by a guy named POLE (I didn’t know people still bothered with graffiti.).

And on some Jersey Pride Shit, one of the old bags on the Real Housewives of New Jersey has a sex tape out. You can get it at www.daniellestaubraw.com/.

For more stupid go to Chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com