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Cruz's entry to the canon may be told from the bleary-eyed perspective of the morning after, but a number two breakfast and three Hedex in his system later, he's ready to roll. Boastfully informing the listener that he can "drink until I throw up, never want to grow up", Taio isn't just having the hair of, but the whole fucking dog. The problem with his boozy posturing, however, is that it's stunningly unconvincing. Like an anti-Paul Gascoigne, he's trying to convince a sceptical public that he does have a drink problem. I'm not doubting that maybe he has delved too far into a Mahiki Treasure Chest once or twice, but the fact that this hangover makes him want to say "woah-oh" reveals him to be a novice in the booze game. People with serious hangovers can't even listen to music, let alone be inspired to make it. I've got him down as the kinda guy who goes in with seven mates on a pitcher of vodka and Monster rather than a man who glugs White Ace on his lunch break. Someone who likes the theory but not the practice.
Hooded troubadour Ed Sheeran has a different, predictably reflective take on the genre. He's gone for Drizzy-esque sorrow drowning, rather than Taio's dubious beer pong claims. But just because it's more introspective, it doesn't mean it's any more convincing. The Abercrombie Dylan tells us that he wants to be "drunk when he wakes up, on the right side of the wrong bed", presumably talking about crashing at a mate's uni halls after a particularly heavy FIFA and bunning session. Ed's into the hard stuff too, by the way, letting us know it's always 4.20 in the Sheeran household when he talks about "the flicker of the clipper when they light up".To be fair, the Jack Wills Bukowski's far more convincing as a stoner than a drinker, seeing as he's got that "feds confiscated my grinder" look down to a tee. Oliver Reed he is not, the giveaway sign being that he appears to be drinking Carlsberg in the video. The can is sort of obscured, but it looks that way to me. You see, Carlsberg is a drink mistakenly bought by people who don't usually drink beer. It's the beer of choice at school fetes and barbeques held by teetotallers. The amateur choice. If he'd been on the Skol Premium, I might have believed him.Not that you'd actually want to see him pissed. He seems like he'd be a terrible drunk, the sort of guy who'd go to house parties as a kid and spend the majority of them crying on the stairs or reeling around in the back garden falling into the patio AGA. You know when people make a point of telling you how drunk they want to get that night? Planned binging is always a bad idea, destined to end with tears, a short trip in the booze bus and an £80 fixed penalty notice.
Gentlemen, you aren't fooling anybody. Stick to the Rubicon, and let the Americans do the drinking while we figure out what to do with our superior stash of brain cells.Follow Clive on Twitter: @thugclive
