This article originally appeared on VICE UK.
It's a lot harder to get turned away from a London nightclub than you might think. At somewhere like Berghain, where the bouncers are notoriously fussy, it makes sense to consider what shirt you're wearing or how many entire bottles of schnapps you drink before you leave the house. In London, it seems you can gain entry to even the most pompous of clubs, regardless of the fact you've decided to team jeans with smart shoes and a shiny suit jacket.
I know this because Carl, a photographer, and I spent a total of three nights staking out various London clubs, waiting to speak to people who'd been turned away. We didn't have much luck.
At Ministry of Sound, both you and the minibuses full of Americans in candy raver club-wear will have no trouble getting in. At Fabric, you're good to go following a rigorous search by the door-staff. Outside Tiger Tiger, you can sway and stumble all you like; after an arm-spread and a pat-down you're free to spend the rest of your night listening to the sound of Oliver Heldens and the smell of CK One.
Even the kind of grandiose places where Geordie Shore cast members spend £400 [$600] on a bottle of vodka—the Mahikis and Whiskey Mists of London's fund manager quarter—will let you in, almost no questions asked. A steady stream of freshly-pressed nautical blazers and eight-inch stilettos streamed through the doors unhindered.
But don't let all that discourage you. If you're really looking to properly fuck up your evening, bent over under a Burger King awning as you drunkenly try to call your friends, little bits of very acidic vomit coming up your throat and into your mouth, we managed to find the one place that will have no problem turfing you out: Heaven, the self-described "most famous gay club in the world."
We spoke to some people about why they had been turned away.
Emily (left): "I was apparently too drunk. I mean, I am quite drunk, but have a little look at my eyes…"
Daniel (left): "It's my birthday. But apparently my cock's too big for a gay club."
Ishmael and Elena: "I don't know why we didn't get in. Because we don't have this fucking membership card that says G-A-Y Late."
Borez: "I'm tipsy, but I'm not that drunk."
Alice: "We didn't have membership cards, but actually I'm pretty sure this isn't a membership-only club."
Ilise: "These motherfuckers—they say I drink too much."
Jalina (front center): "Because we're such a big group, apparently we're not regular enough to go in. The reason for clubs like this is to show that everybody's allowed in. People push for equality. I'm not saying it's stopping equality, but it's not helping by not letting people like us in."