I woke up about 12 hours later and immediately called him. He didn't answer. I must have called him 100 times, leaving voicemails and sending texts saying, "Call me. We need to talk about what happened last night," and eventually he texted back, a few hours later, saying, "Well, we needed to do it one last time, didn't we?" I called again, and he didn't answer. So I texted back: "'We' didn't do anything. You forced yourself on me, hurt me, and then left." To which he replied, instantly, "I'm so, so sorry I hurt you, but you used to love having sex with me and I just couldn't stand the idea of not being like that with you again before I left. I thought you wanted me?"In the coming weeks, I tried to put it to the back of my mind. We used to be so in love, I thought—maybe I was overreacting? We also used to be quite rough with each other during sex, so maybe the fact that I was hard made him think that I had wanted him to do that to me?Months passed before I told anyone. I would forget about it sometimes, to be honest, but when a female friend came round to watch TV one night I ended up telling her, setting it up with the, "I don't know if I'm overreacting, but…" line. She looked horrified and said, "Danny,* he raped you." I sort of shrugged and said, "Nah, it wasn't violent, per se—he was just really horny." She persisted, saying, "No, you told him to stop and he didn't. He raped you. You have to tell someone about this," at which point I burst into tears. I hadn't really cried for him with anyone—I'd cried alone, obviously, but this was the first time I'd broken down in front of a friend. "Fuck," I said. "My boyfriend raped me."
My friend urged me to go to the police, but I never did. I didn't want to go to court and talk about what happened, nor did I want everyone knowing.
The issue I have with going to the police is: at what point will someone say, "This happened a long time ago now—what do you want us to do?" And I genuinely don't know the answer to that question. I have no screaming urge for my ex-boyfriend to be locked up, and I don't want to have to give evidence or talk about something that, to an extent, I've come to terms with. I don't want to be labeled as "The Boy Who Was Raped by Another Boy" for the rest of my life.
Sexual assault is unforgivable. It is gender-less and orientation-less, a violation of another person's body. Just because you're a man, and you respond to the touch of someone you love, doesn't make assault any less serious.