Late on Sunday night, two paramedics parked their ambulance outside McLaren Hospital in Pontiac, Michigan, in order to wheel a patient inside on a gurney. They did so without locking up or taking the keys out of the ignition. This is an accepted practice among paramedics, because who, other than Trevor Philips, fucks with an ambulance?
When they came out, according to a local ABC news affiliate, their ride was gone, apparently commandeered for an urgent mission: to get to a strip club in neighboring Detroit called the Booby Trap, post-haste.
The paramedics used a GPS tracking app to locate the ambulance, and found that it was slowly ambling through nearby Sterling Heights, where cops stopped the driver. After his apprehension, the driver told the officers where he was trying to go, maybe on the assumption that they would tell him, "Oh, we didn't realize it was urgent! Carry on." Or maybe he was just lying.
The Booby Trap, in case you're curious, was described by a Yelper as a tiny place that "isn't so bad. Sure the women are a little rough around the edges, but after a few of their bottom-priced drinks you'll forget all about that." But sadly, the Booby Trap no longer exists—it's been renovated, and turned into a brand new joint called the King of Diamonds, which describes itself as "Detroit's premier adult night spot," featuring cuisine by "certified five star chef's (sic)." There's been no comment on whether or not the strip club's recent facelift was the reason the 51-year-old man allegedly stole an ambulance to get there.
Two months ago, a similar thing happened in Baltimore, when cops say a man and a woman stole a school bus in order to buy cigarettes. These excuses point to a kind of hasty, ass-covering logic, like when Homer Simpson told the cops Moe's Tavern was a pornography store, not a bar, to get away with drunk driving.
Sometimes, honesty isn't the best policy. If my scheme was to steal a big, inconvenient vehicle to get to my smack dealer fast because I was itching hard and I didn't have much of a plan for what to do with my stolen ride after I scored, I probably wouldn't tell the cops that. If I got caught, I'd probably just say I was on my way to buy some fireworks and condoms.
The alleged thief remains unidentified by the Detroit News, which says he'll probably face grand theft auto charges.
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