Their Bloody Valentines

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Welcome back to our food column, Hot Links, in which Dan Meyer explores the neglected culinary stars of YouTube. Dan presents a selection of videos highlighting specific food themes, from amateur cooking to local restaurant commercials, elderly drinking buddies, and kitchen disasters, all culled from the infinite supply of odd YouTube wonders. We encourage you to fall into this culinary video K-hole and include your own comments and contributions below.

For the most part, I think we can all agree that Valentine's Day is a rotten piece of shit. For people without a loved one, it is nothing but a reminder that you are completely alone in the world, and for those with a significant other, it is an expensive, forced day of impossible expectations, expensive dinners, and cheese. Since misery loves company, here is a short selection of depressing bullshit videos to help you enjoy nothing.

Sweet Candle Light Dinner Surprise for Him

I honestly have no idea what universe these people exist within. This video slideshow documents a truly demented romantic gesture that seems both expensive and really unenjoyable, but the biggest issue that I find here is this couple's romantic status. I am unsure as to whether they are romantically involved or are siblings. With Aerosmith kicking off the slideshow tribute, our video creator, Rhyza, walks us through her declaration of love for Kenny, a “three in one gift package who is a brother, a best friend, and a partner in life.” When she describes Kenny as her brother, I want to believe that it is being said figuratively, because she invited him to a candlelit dinner. After watching it a few minutes in, the fact that the only affection exchanged is a "tight hug" left me totally confused and wondering if they are, in fact, siblings. But at the 1:46 minute mark, it looks like they might have shared a passionate kiss. I am at a total loss here. From what I can tell, they don't seem to eat much, and they never go out to drink the wine from their "wine toast." This video is the most surreal Valentine’s Day scene I have ever witnessed.

Publix Grocery Valentine

Publix is the grocery giant of Florida, but it is not the best place to spend your Valentines Day. If you decide to spend it there, make sure that you place a tablecloth over the available indoor picnic tables and a red rose on top of it. I would love to see what the filmmaker of this YouTube video looked like and ask the dining lovers if they knew that they were being filmed. Kinky.

83 Bar and Grill, Valentine's Cruise

Enjoy these 18 seconds of bliss on an unnamed small yacht. Spinning and twirling with your Solo cup is how I hope you spend your lover’s holiday.

“Romantic” Dinner

I've always had an affinity for lo-fi, undercover filming. Here we have a bit of voyeuristic cell phone footage shot by YouTube user Mark Mos, which showcases a simple couple sitting together, not speaking a word to the other as they appear to be absorbed by the activity of their cell phones for a solid minute at a restaurant space that might be IHOP. We've all been there. And here we are again.

Someone to Have a Romantic Dinner With

Oh, no. Nonononononononononono! This is two minutes of a man in a suit drinking wine, eating pasta, and pantomiming as if he were listening to you. At first, I thought it was going to be another "Hi, I'm Joe" type of dating video, in which the man explains his finer attributes, but it turns out that this is nothing of the sort. Or maybe it is, if he considers the mark of a good dinner date to involve absolutely no talking throughout the meal. There is an entire genre of videos on YouTube for lonely people to have instant company, and this guy just so happens to be a very creepy example. I also thought for a moment that this may have been "art,” but after watching his other videos, I don't believe it is. But that is still up for discussion.

Waverly Mansion Valentine's Song

I don't really want to explain this very much.  This is a group of old folks in a retirement home performing a music video for a Bruno Mars song in honor of Valentine's Day. I'm sorry it has nothing to do with food, but I had to include it. Just watch it.

Previously: Grocery Baggers