Miami Beach is one of the few cities that openly flouted the 18th Amendment back in 1919. Congress passed a nationwide ban on the manufacture and transportation of liquor and half of Miami was waiting on the docks for the bootlegger ships, waving wads of cash and crying out, "Yoo-hoo! Sailor boys! Over heeere!" They didn’t care! They flew in the face of Prohibition so we could drink freely today. So temperance be damned, have a drink, you weak bastard. You owe it to Miami.CLUB DEUCE BAR & GRILL
222 14th St., Miami Beach
If you’re going out in Miami you have to hit the Deuce. It’s a bit divey—not Mars Bar divey but still kinda divey—and it’s occasionally a bit smelly—not Mars Bar smelly, but smelly all the same. The drinks are super cheap, not Mars… shut up. The atmosphere at Deuce is really fun, probably because lots of trannies hang out here, and trannies are always a good time. The jukebox is probably the best one you’re gonna find in the state of Florida, and the food will only make you stronger. Cash only.POP LIFE
Saturdays @ the White Room
1306 N Miami Ave., Miami
Balking at the $10 cover charge for this party is pointless, you will end up paying it. You may hand over a crisp, new sawbuck at 9 PM or a sodden, balled-up clump of singles just minutes before they close—but you will pay, eventually. And that’s not really a bad thing, there are worse parties than Pop Life you could wind up at! Plus it’s Saturday, the worst night to go out. You thought Times Square was gross on Saturday night! Wait’ll you see Miami! It’s disgusting! Best plan is to stay in your hotel room and drink or go straight to Pop Life and don’t venture anywhere else. The music there is "young people music," think Don Hill’s, and the crowd is exasperatingly cool so wear your unflattering Buddy Holly glasses.BACKDOOR BAMBI
Fridays @ Vagabond, 30 NE 14th St., downtown Miami
This party sounds like a Furry convention, but it’s not, it’s just the coolest party in town, is all! If you can’t enjoy yourself here there’s something deeply wrong with you. Maybe you’re a dick. What? I’m just saying. The music is great, the crowd is great, and they have an outdoor area with a fire pit. A fire pit, man! You love fire pits! And they even cook BBQ on the fire pit! You love BBQ too! Oh, you have to go. Let’s go. Put your pants on, we’re going. It’s only $5 to get in, which is cheap for a Miami club, so stop moaning.PS14
28 NE 14th St., downtown Miami
This place is really tiny but it’s got cheapish drinks and a big backyard to run around in. It can get pretty local sometimes so be prepared to break a few bottles over your own head to establish you’re *non compos mentis* and not to be tested. I’m kidding, it’s not like that at all. It’s just a nice little bar where you can have a nice little drink and listen to some nice music and meet nice people from all walks of life. It’s a friendly place. You’ll like it.TED’S HIDEAWAY
124 2nd St., Miami Beach
Ted’s is a real "bar" bar. You know, pool table, darts, jukebox, TVs, which sounds dull but it’s like a little oasis in a sea of diarrhea when you look at all the other dreadful bars on the Beach. Needless to say there are a lot of men that hang out here who like
sports, some say too many men, but then some say not enough. It’s a good place to get a big night out started, lay the foundation, so to speak. Have a few beers, eat some chips, watch some football, talk some football, scratch your balls, and reinforce some masculine stereotypes.PURDY LOUNGE
1811 Sunset Harbor Drive, Miami Beach
At the Purdy Lounge the drinks are cheap and they’ve got this one drink called a Blue Long Island and if you drink three your teeth, gums, and lips go blue and then you start seeing trails. They have live music every night, local acts, DJs, etc… and the vibe’s always pretty laid-back. You can pretty much hit the Purdy any night of the week
and have a good time, except Mondays, Monday is reggae night. Sorry if you’re someone who likes reggae, but it’s not my fault, I didn’t make you into a douche, your parents did, go flay them with your stinky dreadlocks, you nettlesome dickhead.JASON CROMBIEphoto by Dana Goldstein
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222 14th St., Miami Beach
If you’re going out in Miami you have to hit the Deuce. It’s a bit divey—not Mars Bar divey but still kinda divey—and it’s occasionally a bit smelly—not Mars Bar smelly, but smelly all the same. The drinks are super cheap, not Mars… shut up. The atmosphere at Deuce is really fun, probably because lots of trannies hang out here, and trannies are always a good time. The jukebox is probably the best one you’re gonna find in the state of Florida, and the food will only make you stronger. Cash only.POP LIFE
Saturdays @ the White Room
1306 N Miami Ave., Miami
Balking at the $10 cover charge for this party is pointless, you will end up paying it. You may hand over a crisp, new sawbuck at 9 PM or a sodden, balled-up clump of singles just minutes before they close—but you will pay, eventually. And that’s not really a bad thing, there are worse parties than Pop Life you could wind up at! Plus it’s Saturday, the worst night to go out. You thought Times Square was gross on Saturday night! Wait’ll you see Miami! It’s disgusting! Best plan is to stay in your hotel room and drink or go straight to Pop Life and don’t venture anywhere else. The music there is "young people music," think Don Hill’s, and the crowd is exasperatingly cool so wear your unflattering Buddy Holly glasses.BACKDOOR BAMBI
Fridays @ Vagabond, 30 NE 14th St., downtown Miami
This party sounds like a Furry convention, but it’s not, it’s just the coolest party in town, is all! If you can’t enjoy yourself here there’s something deeply wrong with you. Maybe you’re a dick. What? I’m just saying. The music is great, the crowd is great, and they have an outdoor area with a fire pit. A fire pit, man! You love fire pits! And they even cook BBQ on the fire pit! You love BBQ too! Oh, you have to go. Let’s go. Put your pants on, we’re going. It’s only $5 to get in, which is cheap for a Miami club, so stop moaning.
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28 NE 14th St., downtown Miami
This place is really tiny but it’s got cheapish drinks and a big backyard to run around in. It can get pretty local sometimes so be prepared to break a few bottles over your own head to establish you’re *non compos mentis* and not to be tested. I’m kidding, it’s not like that at all. It’s just a nice little bar where you can have a nice little drink and listen to some nice music and meet nice people from all walks of life. It’s a friendly place. You’ll like it.TED’S HIDEAWAY
124 2nd St., Miami Beach
Ted’s is a real "bar" bar. You know, pool table, darts, jukebox, TVs, which sounds dull but it’s like a little oasis in a sea of diarrhea when you look at all the other dreadful bars on the Beach. Needless to say there are a lot of men that hang out here who like
sports, some say too many men, but then some say not enough. It’s a good place to get a big night out started, lay the foundation, so to speak. Have a few beers, eat some chips, watch some football, talk some football, scratch your balls, and reinforce some masculine stereotypes.PURDY LOUNGE
1811 Sunset Harbor Drive, Miami Beach
At the Purdy Lounge the drinks are cheap and they’ve got this one drink called a Blue Long Island and if you drink three your teeth, gums, and lips go blue and then you start seeing trails. They have live music every night, local acts, DJs, etc… and the vibe’s always pretty laid-back. You can pretty much hit the Purdy any night of the week
and have a good time, except Mondays, Monday is reggae night. Sorry if you’re someone who likes reggae, but it’s not my fault, I didn’t make you into a douche, your parents did, go flay them with your stinky dreadlocks, you nettlesome dickhead.JASON CROMBIEphoto by Dana Goldstein