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MEET THE NIERATKOS - CABIN FEVER

I generally choose not to leave the house. It's safer for me if I hide away from the rest of the world. Not for fear of relapsing or crashing my car or having a piano fall on my head, but because people outside my home are retards. And not good retards who like to sing and dance like Lon Da Milan but functioning humans that are far more dim than Lonald.

But I'll admit I'm going a bit stir crazy in here with the past month's snowfalls. I need exercise. Chasing my dog up and down the hallway and using my 15-pound infant as a medicine ball isn't cutting it anymore. I need to run, to jump, to skate, to let loose… but that requires going out there. And dealing with them.

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Yesterday I tried.

I failed.

I took Benny the Comic Dog to the East Brunswick Skatepark with a shovel, in hopes of shoveling it out so I could skate after it dried. No luck. Place was a 4-to-6-inch-thick sheet of ice. So instead of me having any fun I let Benny play Ice Capades for a while. I suppose watching him eat shit at top speed and then sliding another 10 feet is pretty fun, just a different kind of fun. After 10 minutes of that I grabbed him and my shovel and started walking back to my car. That's when I ran into a genius from the Parks Department and had this exchange:

Him: Park's closed.
Me; Yeah, it's covered with ice. Can't skate it anyway.
Him: Park's closed.
Me: Yeah, I was just going to try and shovel it out.
Him: It's supposed to be locked up. Park's closed.
Me: I heard you. But you can't skate it anyway because it's a sheet of ice. That's why I was going to VOLUNTEER my time and shovel it out.
Him: Well, you're not supposed to be in there.
Me: I'm not in there. I'm out here now because I'm leaving BECAUSE THE PARK IS A SHEET OF ICE.
Him: They don't want anyone getting hurt. The fence is supposed to be locked.
Me: Did you not hear me when I said, "I came to shovel, not to skate," or "The park is covered with ice." Or "I'm Leaving?"
Him: Good, because the park's closed.

Even my dog was looking at him like he was an asshole.

It is absurd conversations like that have got me to thinking I should sell my house and move to a remote portion of Algarve so I don't have to deal with people anymore. I know how to speak Portuguese but I can always pretend that I don't and then no one will talk to me. Except my wife. And my kid.

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Do you think that would effect his development if he had no contact with the outside world? I should try it in the name of science. He can be my personal Tarzan. Except instead of a jungle, it's on a beach. And the role of the apes are played by me and his mom.

Oh, I like that.

What if even me and his mom stop talking English and only grunt like apes? We could even get ape costumes! How long do you think he'd fall for such a farce?

I'm going to Google monkey costumes now and see how expensive they are.

Here's a few other notables from this week:

-My kid is almost 6 months old. In another two months he'll be able to get a job making
shoes for Nike. I've been having him stare at this page a lot to help him figure it out.

-The baby shit on my chest. I know some people pay good money for such acts but I wasn't really in the mood. We removed his diaper without checking for poops first. I found out the hard way he had a surprise for me.

-Lonnie is going to the doctor tomorrow. Pray for the doctor tonight.

-Lonnie showed us how he plays The Beatles.

-My dog humped my mother-in-law's dog.

-I wrote this Slayer story about people drinking my pee.

-My baby tortured Lonnie.

-My kid just typed you this note:
Cz
x
j , miuv, ,v m HI/'LL';;'K''

CHRIS NIERATKO

(For more stupid go to Chrisnieratko.com)