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Vice Blog

SNEAKY TEASERS - GOD'S PERFECT SEX

While most people have theories and hints about "good ways" and "dirty ways" to have sex, very very few know the secret of "correct sex." We do though. We know because the guy who God told it to told it to us. Want to know how God wants you to fuck? It's supposed to go a little something like this.

To have correct sex according to God's method in front of the altar, in front of the Eucharist, and therefore in front of God, involves myself playing the role of Adam, and a female follower who plays the role of Eve by her own free will. The Lord does not wish for anybody else to engage in this ritual.

The main difference with regular sex is that my penis is not to be inserted in her vagina. I stimulate my penis against her external genitalia. When I orgasm, the Lord tells me to ejaculate into a glass cup and to throw out the sperm."

That's all there is to it! Oh, and if you need lube, you have to use yogurt. Our April issue will feature even more divinely-inspired secrets to pleasing your man/woman/creator--if you can guess who wrote them all, we'll send you a free sub. By which we mean subscription. Although if you'd rather it be a sandwich, we're listening.