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Vice Blog

THE WORLD CUP OF EVIL: GROUP B

It's group B of our World Cup of Evil. It's not about scoring the most goals but about how evil and corrupt the countries have been, both in normal life and in football. Click below to find out how today's teams did.

ARGENTINA

Historical evil: There are parts of the Argentine Pampa that remain unexplored even to this day. The same cannot be said for corruption, which has been well and truly explored in Buenos Aires. When it comes to building a seemingly wealthy society and then having it ruined by military dictatorships or massive economic crashes, our gaucho friends are masters. The reign of terror that went through the 70s and ended spectacularly with the invasion of the Falklands saw thousands of "contrary intellectuals" kidnapped, killed, and then dumped into the River Plate. Galtieri's great idea to save his rotting military junta was to send 18-year-olds out to fight on an Atlantic rock inhabited by sheep farmers with weird accents.

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Football evil: The 2nd round of the 1990 World Cup. With a break in play to treat an injured player, Brazilian left back Branco takes a drink from the Argentine coaching staff. As Argentina's goalkeeper Sergio Goycochea—known as "El Vasco" because of his Basque name—looks to take a slug, Diego Maradona rushes over to him shouting, "Vasco, no!" and slaps the water out of his hand. As the game goes on, Branco is seen veering around, unable to follow the play or use the ball properly. Maradona later reveals that the drink was laced with tranquilisers while then Argentina manager Carlos Bilardo adds this: "I'm not saying it didn't happen. I don't know." When Argentina is playing badly, local commentators routinely tell the coaches to "just drug the other guys." In the 1978 World Cup, it is widely believed that the Peruvian team were promised a fat bribe to lose heavily to Argentina. Peru threw the game but the team are still waiting for their money. During the current World Cup campaign, Maradona, who is now the manager (much to most of the country's growing horror), has told the press they can "suck my dick," and has promised to run through Buenos Aires naked if his team win. This is what his assistant Carlos Bilardo (yes, the same one) has to say: "If Argentina wins the World Cup I'll let whoever scores the winning goal do me up the arse." Striker Martin Palermo has said he'll take Bilardo up on the offer as long as the 71-year-old coach "puts a wig on first."

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GREECE

Historical evil: The country's former number one god, Zeus, seduced Europa by turning into a bull and mingling in with her father's herd. Europa got on the Zeus-bull's back whereupon the Zeus-bull charged off into the sea and swam to Crete where he ravished her and made her the queen of the island. When my grandparents lived in Greece the police used to come around with cannabis plants, accuse them of drug running, and then hang around waiting for them to pony up a nice bribe. Basically, Greek evil is funny. They're just out for a lusty bribey time.

Football evil: In Greek football there is, apparently, an organised ring of corruption known as "The Hut", which controls referees, decides which Greek club will win the league and has absolutely nothing to do with Pizza Hut founder Garry Hut. Wealthy Greek businessmen have long sought to buy football teams and then fix the results in their favour as a way of showering them in glory and pleasing their bearded mothers. On a national level, the ultra-defensive Greeks play a brand of strength-over-technique football that is simply evil on the eyes.

NIGERIA

Historical evil: Africa's second largest economy, rich in oil (Halliburton enjoy bribing the Nigerian elite) and natural gas, Nigeria has been a home of vice since its inception. Of all the military and political leaders, General Ibrahim Babangida (known as "Maradona" on account of his political survival skills) and the man who took over from him in a bloodless coup, General Sani Abacha, are probably the kings of evil. When forced to legalise the formation of political parties, Babangida banned all parties formed by individuals and people of the same mind and ideology. The two parties that were created were both created by one man with the same mind and same ideology: Babangida. They were referred to as "two leper hands", but what cut them off and replaced them was no better. Abacha, as every leader does, promised an end to corruption. Instead he took billions of dollars from the state coffers and, using a series of front companies, channelled them out of Africa with the help of Credit Suisse, Merrill Lynch, and Goldman Sachs. In the end, it was a "cardiac coup" that took him, as he died of a heart attack while allegedly participating in an orgy with a shed load of Indian prostitutes. Needless to say, both men indulged in the brutal suppression of a number of riots and protests.

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Football evil: According to bloggers in Nigeria, Taribo West, a player who retired a few years ago, was in his late 50s when he quit the game. Nwankwo Kanu says he is 33 but is really 42, or as his beloved fans used to chant: "King Kanu Kanu/ He's older than me and you/ His real age is 62/ King Kanu Kanu." False documents are not hard to obtain in Lagos and many players are thought to have "real ages" and "football ages", which would explain why the Nigerian under-17 teams are always so fucking good. Like popstars, they all say they're 19 when actually they're 35 and getting really damn slow. "Our boys are old, we are paying the price for age cheating," the team doctor said earlier this year, and everyone in Nigeria has a story about a mate in his late 30s whose craggy face and grandchildren were overlooked by football authorities keen to believe granddads are grandkids. But hey, you can't blame old guys for trying their best and it's kind of impressive given our old footballers are all mad, fat, or playing golf.

SOUTH KOREA

Historical evil: The Korean border is the most heavily fortified in the world, but it's always the Northern guys who get blamed for that because of the whole dictatorship, media-torturing, nuclear proliferation stuff. In comparison, the South's fondness for embezzling money and evil corporate hi-jinks seems a little pedestrian. But I met this North Korean politician the other day and he showed me some pretty grainy but pretty convincing photos that seemed to suggest that South Korea is definitely trying to invade the North by way of underground tunnels. Evil moles.

Football evil: Lots of hard-working, nippy guys play for South Korea. They never stop running. They're definitely on drugs.

RESULTS: As will probably happen in the real thing, Argentina make it through in first, riding a ship made of Maradona's ego and filled with his coke. Nigeria make it just in front of the Greeks because, hey, the Greeks have had a hard time lately…

1. Argentina
2. Nigeria
3. Greece
4. South Korea

OSCAR RICKETT