FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Vice Blog

Festival Dos And Don’ts

Mud can have a great bonding effect. Especially when it’s mud filled with 500,000 people’s dropped drugs, and you and five other people you’ve never met before have been swimming around in it for three days. Best friends for life!

Mud can have a great bonding effect. Especially when it’s mud filled with 500,000 people’s dropped drugs, and you and five other people you’ve never met before have been swimming around in it for three days. Best friends for life!

Anyone that goes to as much effort to dress up as this guy has is guaranteed to be walking around playing BrickBreaker on their phone all weekend and offering 4s the use of their lighter in a vain attempt to make some form of human contact. Some guy told us that 2CB has a unique molecular structure that simultaneously causes visionary sensations and releases huge amounts of serotonin so it is bad news in the long run but as long as it keeps magically doubling every beautiful thing in our perceptive range we’re going to keep taking it.

Advertisement

Gross! Is there a worse and more depressing sight than looking at a man with a goatee collecting twigs so that he can watch them smoulder in the rain for ten minutes outside his tent while he meditates inside?

Turning up as Cupid Bigalow: Ass-Rimming Gigolo usually works out great for picking up guys—until you unexpectedly bump into your shocked sister who bursts out crying and threatens to call your parents. If ketamine makes you believe that a field of strangers really want to see the nappy rash around your toddler penis, then it’s probably best to not touch anything stronger than Appletiser in future, pal.

“Hi Mum. Er, I’ve had an accident. Some, er, drug-crazed Liverpudlians held me down and shoved a white-hot flare against my wee-wee tail and burnt it. It reeeallllyyy hurts, mummy. Can you come and pick me up?”

It’s very rare at a festival to get a pint that doesn’t taste like the festering sweaty residue found underneath Rik Waller’s man tits, so when you do you should really savour it. If that means nibbling on the neck of the pint glass and whispering sweet nothings to it then so be it. The S&M psytrance Mork & Mindy look doesn’t translate so well when you get stranded and find yourself caught short in a small village near Grimsby on the way to Moondance fest.

When not performing an opera version of “Roll Out the Barrel” with his terminally ill granddad in front of a gushing Piers Morgan on

Advertisement

Britain’s Got Talent

, 13-year-old Jimmy likes nothing more than showing off his trick of inflating an empty bag of Doritos with his arse while waiting for the Pigeon Detectives to come on.

For one weekend only, you are no longer June from sales, you are Veledith, Queen of the Woods, drinking mead from King Arthur’s old chalice, cloaked in the protective armour offered by your favourite Ent. But make sure you make it back to the main stage for 10:30 PM – you don’t want to miss Kaiser Chiefs. Marketing and advertising company Wikid Ideas really excelled themselves with last year’s ingenious “Think

inside

the box” festival campaign for Tuborg.