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It doesn’t matter if you’re the biggest girly-girl or more on the butch. Chances are you’ll be in at least one fistfight in your life. You might get the shit kicked out of you and that’s a risk you’re going to have to take, but trust me, it’s not as bad as you think. It’s kind of like ripping off a bandage.I was a mess after the first time I got into a fight. I had a black eye, my eyebrow was split open and I looked terrible. But at least I learned that real life fights aren’t like TV, they’re not a huge deal. Therefore, being prepared is one of the most crucial steps to throwing down with another lady.
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Never. Ever. EVER throw the first punch. No matter how much you want to, you have to restrain yourself. If they won’t throw the first punch then walk away or call them names until they do. Provoke the beast. As soon as they hit you first, your next shots are just self-defense and you can’t get in too much trouble. Added bonus: if the cops come you can just turn, point your finger at her and say “Well SHE started it!” It will make you sound very mature.
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The most common mistake girls make when fighting another girl is going for an immediate hair grab. Although this is a very painful maneuver, don’t use it right away. If you do it first they’ll be thrashing around a lot, which will force them to grab your hair, and then you’ll be stuck in this awkwardly savage attempt to tear off each other’s scalps. So save this one for when you really need it. The last time I had my hair pulled it fucking hurt. I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry just to make it stop.

This is a pretty ineffective move to use against most girls. They’re not men. Men are big pussies when it comes to biting. Most girls who are actually going to fight, however, are probably into some pretty kinky shit in the bedroom so your bites are likely going to turn her on. Not to mention it’s super unhygienic.Also, try to avoid getting bitten. It feels oddly hot and painfully tingly. I don’t know if that’s the adrenaline at work, but it doesn’t feel nice.RINGS ARE YOUR FRIENDS
Bitches love rings. Especially big, chunky, gaudy rings. I know I do. As a girl, you’re definitely not punching as hard as you think you are. So you need all the help you can get if you’re going to scrap, especially if you’re a small girl like me. Think of it as an illegal boxing match where you wrap your gloves with barbed wire to make it fair.Chances are your opponent will also be wearing rings. Being hit with a ringed fist smarts, but you probably won’t have to worry about that because most girls who are in their first few fights don’t actually use their fists to land a punch. They use the heel of their hand. I never understood that, but it’s simply what I’ve observed over the past few years. So wear rings and you’ll have the upper hand.
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I’m a nail biter, so I don’t have nice, long, strong luscious nails. If you do though, use them. Especially if you get them done on a regular basis. Remember in the movie Holes where Warden Walker paints her nails with snake venom and then slaps that douchebag? A good strong slap to the face is badass. I’m not suggesting you put poison on your cuticles for the fight, that’s probably illegal, but it just proves that slaps are handy. Especially if you have claws.BOOB PUNCH / KNEE TO THE VAGINA
Men have balls, a very open and vulnerable spot to attack. Now you’re probably thinking that girls aren’t as sensitive in their nether regions—and they aren’t—but that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt when you grab them close range and ram your knee up into their cooter. Also anyone who has been punched in the boob knows how much it fucking hurts when hit with enough force. It’s enough to make a girl’s eyes water up with discomfort and pain. Which leads us to our next rule.WATERY EYES AND TAKE DOWNS
Take advantage of any moment where your opponent is temporarily blinded by their womanly emotions and/or pain. Grab them by the collarbone and pull. Don’t be afraid to really dig in there with your talons. This is a great pressure point to throw your opponent off guard and it works really well on those skinny, lean girls. This is one of my main moves in a fight. It’s unexpected, and I just have an obsession with collarbones so I like to touch as many as I can. Is that creepy? Yes definitely. But anyway, it’s still a good move in a fight.
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You’re familiar with the “Cow Girl” position, right? Do it. Get right on top of her. Try and pin her arms with your knees. From here on out she’s pretty much yours to play with. She’ll be trying to kick and squirm under you, but don’t let up. Start wailing on anything you can land your fists on. Face, boobs, and stomach. Whatever you can hit.Your fists are going to hurt like hell and you’ll probably be really out of breath. But for the love of god you’re almost there. Stay in the game. From this point out all you need for her to do is submit, or for someone to pull you off her and hide you from the cops, because without a doubt someone has called them.CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES AND DISAPPEAR
The cops are probably out there looking for you at this point. Even if you don’t know this for sure, it’s better safe than sorry. This is where I would suggest swapping shirts with a friend or borrowing their sweater. Try to get all the blood off you and take alleys and side streets instead of main roads. Put a solid amount of distance between you and the fight. Try to walk into busy places or escape into the transit system. Better yet, if one of your friends has a car, get them to drive you to a safe spot ASAP.As I said before I do not condone fighting but sometimes you just have to put your fists up. So when that situation arises I hope that this guide boosted your preparation level. I wish you all the best in your fighting adventures and hopefully the blood will be spilled in your favour.Other fighting content from VICE Canada:I Got My Ass Kicked at an Arm Wrestling CompetitionStop Whining: Fighting Is a Crucial Part of HockeyVisit our MMA site Fightland.