It's 2015, and somebody needs to inform His Holiness Buddy "Cake Boss" Valastro that his sovereignty is seriously coming into question. After all, this is the year that we as a race were gifted with the single greatest achievement to humanity thus far—one that just so happens to have been delivered to us in the form of one glorious cake.
The frosted testament to human ingenuity hails from Shenyang—a city located in in the northeastern province Liaoning—and is the collaborative product of several bakers in the area. According to The People's Daily Online, these intrepid bakers created a life-sized "human" cake that is shackled at the waist and features a man's head. And the cake screams every time it's cut into.
OK, so maybe it's not the cake that screams. The bakers actually hired an actor to stick his painted face where the cake's head would be and sit there for the entirety of a specially staged event. The lucky thespian's face was adorned in orange and black paint that prominently featured a Glasgow Smile.
According to The Daily Mail, the cake was baked in a store called Ai Si Wei Ni and was displayed earlier this week at the 1905 Creative Culture Park. Anyone who showed up—and could stomach its glory—was offered a free slice.
A short video shows plenty of people thoroughly enjoying themselves as slices are violently carved out of the cake-man's torso while he shrieks with pain each time the knife touches his icing "skin." But it might restore your faith in humanity to know that a few children apparently found the whole event completely appalling and clung to their parents with terror. Others, mostly adolescents, laughed giddily as if they were having the time of their lives (which they probably were).
What makes the whole event particularly amazing, as far as one can tell from the video, is the lifelike quality of the cake design. This cake dude has a sixpack, nipples, and muscly arms—and the layers of cake beneath his frosting skin are made out of an eerily tinged soft sponge cake that looks reddish and pinkish—kind of like human insides.
Hopefully, some morbidly curious bakers will set the bloody ball rolling and get the trend started stateside. But in the meantime, all we can say is this: Screw having your cake and eating it too. 2015 is all about being your cake and eating it too.