Your mum's favourite movie sequel, Fifty Shades Darker, currently has a rating of 9 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, which is well below the numbers for cinematic masterpieces like Paul Blart Mall Cop (33 percent), Boo! A Madea Halloween (21 percent) or that movie where Sacha Baron Cohen got pummelled by an elephant's dick after climbing into a second elephant's vagina.
Despite the almost universally dismal reviews, some Fifty Shades viewers still get so aroused that they can't even wait until they get home to pleasure themselves with phallic vegetables—or at least that's the story from one Australian multiplex.
On Monday, the Hayden Orpheum in Sydney tweeted a picture of a brave usher holding a cucumber with his bare hands. "That awkward moment when you find a cucumber in the cinema after a Fifty Shades session," the Orpheum wrote. (The cinema's Twitter account also followed up to say that the usher "immediately regretted" touching that, um, gently used piece of produce).
That awkward moment when you find a cucumber in the cinema after a Fifty Shades session… pic.twitter.com/FafcJX5gFB
— Hayden Orpheum (@haydenorpheum) February 13, 2017
Although the discovery of the cuke was met with a near-universal sound of dry heaving, others wonder if the Orpheum staff had just come up with (no pun intended) a really clever PR stunt. If it had, it's not the first time. If it didn't, who knows for sure, other than that poor, possibly mistreated cucumber?
Last Friday, a cinema in Fredrikstad, Norway posted a picture of not one, but TWO cucumbers that had been abandoned after a Fifty Shades screening. "Found in room 3 after the 20.00 showing of Fifty Shades Darker," the Fredrikstad Kino wrote on Facebook. "Get in touch if you want them back." (And the theatre has had almost as fun with cucumbers as their original owner(s) did: on Valentine's Day, it served up sliced cucumbers in front of a Fifty Shades poster).
But even THAT wasn't the first time that veggies were abandoned after Fifty Shades: Ushers have been finding them since the first Fifty Shades flick was released, almost exactly two years ago. One unidentified worker sent his or her friends a pair of Snapchats showing two cucumbers resting in two separate seats. ("I believe that's the same cucumber," one expert suggested on Reddit).
And then there are those who don't even bother with sneaking outside food into a screening. In February 2015, a woman in Sinaloa, Mexico was arrested after getting caught masturbating during the movie. (La Verdad helpfully pointed out that she was an unmarried 33-year-old, which obviously explains everything).
Ladies. LADIES. (Or gentlemen, we're not judging), if you're considering pleasuring yourself to Jamie Dornan's one unchanging facial expression, stay home and watch the first one, on your own upholstery. Or, good lord, at least take your vegetables with you when you leave the theatre.