If goals could be liquified and made into milkshake, we'd drink them all day long. We would slurp them down our gullets, fill our bellies with their delicious goodness. We would consume them with a vile, insatiable gluttony. We would become corpulently fat on goals, horribly bloated after weeks of chugging them down with disgusting enthusiasm. Goals would run down our chests, wetting the floor beneath our very feet.
That is how thirsty we are for goals.
Unfortunately, goals can neither be liquified nor consumed. They have absolutely zero calorie content, hence rendering any attempt to gain physical nourishment from them utterly pointless. Instead, we'll have to succour ourselves on the mental pleasure of watching the best strikes from the past week. It's not the same, but it will have to do.
THE TOTTI THUNDERBOLT
Francesco Totti, Roma legend. Francesco Totti, Italian icon. Francesco Totti, rugged crag of masculine sexuality. Francesco Totti, scorer of absolute bloody screamers.
After 23 years at Roma, over 750 appearances and 300 odd goals, the sight of Totti slamming the ball into the back of the net is hardly a novelty. However, at 39 years of age, his days as a professional footballer are numbered. He may not have the opportunity to score many more times in his career.
Accordingly, we should cherish this strike with all our hearts.
A substitute in Roma's clash with Genoa on Monday evening, Totti came on with the Giallorossi trailing 2-1 to their mid-table opponents. In the 76th minute, he stepped up to take a free kick just outside the Genoa box. Hitting the ball with stunning force, he blasted a thunderous shot past the keeper. God, we're going to miss this guy.
CORKER ON THE CLYDE
Where's the least likely place to see a beautiful display of individual skill on a football pitch? That's right, it's Scotland's fourth-tier! If stereotypes are to be believed, the chances of witnessing a beautiful goal in the Scottish lower leagues are statistically negligible, while the odds of seeing an overweight brickie break another man's leg in six places are worryingly high.
Nonetheless, Clyde midfielder Scott Linton defied the odds to produce an effort of sheer beauty in his side's 3-1 play-off win over Elgin City. Linton made it 2-0 just before half time when – teed up to the right of the area – he sent a cracking half volley into the top corner from 20 yards.
Way to break down our preconceived prejudices, Scott. Maybe Scotland's fourth tier isn't so bad after all.
THE RAVER'S DELIGHT
We've heard some fantastic rave soundtracks in our time watching goals on YouTube, but none quite so fitting as this.
Huracan striker Ramon Abila scored a scorching overhead kick in the Copa Libertadores on Tuesday night, though his side unfortunately went on to lose to Colombian rivals Atlético Nacional. Still, at least he produced a career highlight in the form of this effort – a strike which was begging to be set to the repetitive rhythms of thumping electronica from the moment it left his boot.