Listen up motherfuckers, it's time for some game theory. Tom DeLonge, of Blink-182/Angels and Airwaves/"thinking aliens are real" acclaim, has been going apeshit online for the past few days, engaging in a never-ending tweetstorm that started on Saturday with a prediction that Donald Trump was going to get impeached and as of press time found him declaring that the Trump/Russia saga was "like a Spy novel." (Non-standard capitalization his).
Many of DeLonge's posts involve linking to and/or quote-tweeting leading Trumpspiracist Louise Mensch, whose claim to fame involves calling people who make fun of her online "Russian Agents," plus having been right about a Trump thing one time. While some of you might dismiss DeLonge's tweets as Mobyesque ravings that lack any basis in fact, I, the enlightened investigatory journalist, know that there's something deeper going on. DeLonge's tweetstorm was spurred by a post on Mencsh's site claiming that "separate sources with links to the intelligence and justice communities have stated that a sealed indictment has been granted against Donald Trump." Using the extreme, unfathomable powers that being online has given me, I have deduced that one of Mensch's sources with links to the intelligence and justice communities is DeLonge himself.
Before you laugh me off the internet, my fellow newly minted experts on Donald Trump and Russia, I think we should all back up and think about how 100 percent real and plausible this is. Tom DeLonge was one of the main guys in Blink 182, who were like the biggest band in the universe from 1999 to 2002 or whatever. Blink 182's Enema of the State went Quintuple Platinum; their follow-up Take Off Your Pants and Jacket went Double Platinum. Every single person who bought those records was a child, and statistically speaking, at least one of them now works in the intelligence and/or the justice community. This person(s) could have reached out to Tom DeLonge using the magic of social media, and then could have thanked DeLonge for having co-written "What's My Age Again?" by secretly slipping him secret information about Trump and the Russians.
Besides, as everyone knows, "Tom Delonge" is an anagram for "Don T., O, me leg!" If that isn't a smoking gun, I don't know what is. And check this out, hotshot. Donald Trump's daughter Tiffany once made a song with the rapper Logic, who's probably done a song with somebody who's done a song with Travis Barker or some shit (Also, Logic scored his first Number One album only AFTER Donald Trump became president. Coincidence? I think not.). OR, try this on for size: The winner of Celebrity Apprentice Season Three was Bret Michaels, the lead singer of Poison. In 2013, Bret Michaels released a solo album called Jammin' with Friends that featured Van Halen bassist Michael Anthony on two songs. When Van Halen vocalist David Lee Roth went solo back in the 80's, he recruited Steve Vai to be his guitar player. In the early 90's, Steve Vai mentored a band called Bad4Good, whose drummer Brooks Wackerman went on to play drums on Tom DeLonge's 2015 record To the Stars… Demos, Odds and Ends. You can't make this stuff up, folks. Did Donald Trump tell the truth about the Russians to Bret Michaels who told Michael Anthony who told David Lee Roth who told Steve Vai who told Brooks Wackerman who told Tom DeLonge? I think we can agree that, given the connections I spent 20 minutes mapping out by frantically clicking around Wikipedia, this is definitely a thing that could have happened. So why don't we believe Tom DeLonge when he says Donald Trump is going to get impeached this week? Is it too much to acknowledge that, because they are rich and famous, celebrities are also better than us and therefore always correct?
Here's where it gets really spicy, people: Everyone knows that, as a famous rock star, Tom DeLonge has met a member of Red Hot Chili Peppers and/or Metallica at least one time. In fact, here's a picture of Tom DeLonge touching RHCP drummer Chad Smith's shoulder that I found on a Red Hot Chili Peppers fan tumblr after googling "Tom Delonge Red Hot Chili Peppers." Of course, Red Hot Chili Peppers and Metallica––who, because all famous people are best friends, obviously know Tom DeLonge––are managed by Q Prime, a music management company co-owned by none other than Peter Mensch, who just so happens to be none other than Louise Mensch's husband.
Tom DeLonge is valiantly using his very real sources in the intelligence and justice communities, as well as his seventh-degree connection to Donald Trump himself, to discover the truth about Donald Trump and the Russians and then spread his message to the world. Forget rejoining Blink-182. I think after having read my 100 percent true and completely conjecture-free investigative report, you now share my conclusion that Tom DeLonge should abandon music forever and become the new director of the FBI.
Future Days is a weekly column by Drew Millard. If you agree or disagree with what he writes, feel free to text him at 828-675-8574.
Drew Millard used to work at Noisey, but now he doesn't, so now he has this column. He lives in North Carolina with his dog. Follow him on Twitter.