BioChemical Chastity Belt Needs A Brutal Petsitter/Organ Grinder

In the dirty, little, lovable city of Richmond, Virginia, you might have a little trouble finding your place in the music scene. Luckily, there’s Craigslist to help you find like-minded, talented musicians who might be seeking a very serious career, just want to jam out, or possibly hire you as a pet-sitter. Wait, what?

Although the majority of RVA’s Craigslist postings are seeking contemporary gospel vocalists, lead fiddlists, Limp Bizkit cover bands, and the occasional heated argument about Guitar Center’s customer service, there are still plenty of longhairs out there in need of fellow metalheads. For all of you wicked organ grinders out there, you’re in luck. BioChemical Chastity Belt wants YOU!

Now, before contacting “Francis,” you’ll need to ensure that you’re br00tal enough for BCB. Can you measure up to the likes of these dudes?

“We are the band BioChemical Chastity Belt. We are the most brutal grindcore band, EVER. If you think I'm kidding, wait till you see the band photo's we took standing in front of a brick wall, you can't even tell which is tougher, us or the mother f-ing bricks son!”

Unfortunately, the photo was not included in the post, but I can imagine it looked something like this. If you truly feel that you can strike a Chad Kroeger-worthy pose, you’ll now have to consider your monkey care-taking abilities.

“Anyway we are looking for an organ grinder to fill out the sound of our band. We already have the monkey that will dance while you play, but he is kinda sickly. We're not entirely sure how to take care of him properly, cause we're too busy living for the metal to screw around with proper monkey maintenance. So in addition to being a brutal organ grinder, ANYTHING you could do to help care for and look after Mr. Nanners would be total bonus.”

So the important questions to ask are these: Are you as brutal as the rest of BioChemical Chastity Belt? Can you organ grind just as brutally? Is your primate health knowledge brutal enough? Importantly, can you brutally juggle all of these responsibilities and still live for the metal?

You’ll have to figure that out for yourself, but if Francis decides to give you a call-back, here’s what you have to look forward to:

“We have a high exposure gig playing the grand opening of my Uncle's Car Wash in Midlothian just a few Sunday's from now. So hit me up and let's make history.”

So call Francis and Mr. Nanners and you just might find yourself going down in the Grindcore Hall of Fame amongst the greats. Who knows? You could even make it there before these legends.

@teedunc