Things Your Parents Said That Screwed You Up, According to Experts

This article originally appeared on VICE Italy.

Parents the world over have a spookily similar vocabulary to deal with their kids being brats. “Hurry up or I’ll leave you behind,” “Eat your food, there are kids starving in the world,” “Why aren’t you more like your sister” – phrases like these span countries, cultures and languages, and, according to some experts, may have messed with our minds as children.

Lorenzo Naia, a Turin-based child communication expert, teacher, nanny and author of children's books, says these things “are often said lightly, superficially [by parents], without them noticing their signals are being absorbed by their kids”. Pedagogue and educator, Annalisa Falcone, agrees. “Children internalise messages from our behaviours, from what we say, from the tone in which we say it,” she says.

In a quest to justify blaming all my problems on my parents, I asked both experts what they think about the most common phrases used to discipline kids, and how they could be replaced with healthier messages. 

“If you don't hurry up, I'll leave you behind.”

“If you do this, mum/ dad will go away.”

“When parents say these things, they instil fear in their kids just to reach their goal faster,” says Falcone.

The problem: Both experts agree that children fear abandonment more than anything – even death. While a child will gradually learn to fear death as they grow up, “the fear of abandonment is innate – so much so that babies often cry just to make sure their caregiver is there”, says Naia. 

Because of these instinctive abandonment issues, children need to know they can always rely on their parents’ support. “As a parent, you should make it clear [to your kids] you may not always agree with them and you might get angry, but that they are always welcome to confide in you and that you won’t stop loving and supporting them,” Naia continues. "Threatening to abandon them, however, sends them the message there’s a chance you may not be there for them.”

The solution: Parents often use these phrases when they’re in a hurry to leave, or to make sure their child doesn’t get lost. “One way [to improve the message] is to turn these sentences into positives,” says Naia. Instead of saying, “If you don’t do X, I will do Y,” you can say, “If you do this for me, I’ll do that for you.”

According to Falcone, you can also try sentences like, “OK, I’ll give you ten minutes to finish up on the swing and then we’re going.” She adds: “This will help the child learn about important concepts such as compromise.”

“If you scream I’ll send you to boarding school.”

“If you don’t behave, just you wait and see what happens.”

“If you don’t do your homework, I won’t buy you that toy.”

Parents often say these sorts of things primarily to stop their kids from misbehaving. But, according to Falcone, these kind of phrases “are more of a shortcut for adults, they don’t teach kids a real lesson”.

The problem: Naia says childhood psychology and pedagogy discourages parents from thinking in terms of punishment, because the child will react based on their fear of being punished, rather than actually thinking about their behaviour. “They’ll try to meet the adult's expectations without understanding why,” Falcone adds.

“The same principle also applies to rewards,” Naia says. “When you say, ‘If you get a good grade, I’ll buy you a toy,’ the focus will be more on the toy than on the behaviour.”

The solution: Both experts think parents should always take note of and acknowledge good and bad behaviour, rewarding the former and discouraging the latter. Praise for good actions will help the child “stop and reflect on this positive thing,” says Naia.

Similarly, parents should never let bad behaviour slide; they should call their kids out with the intent of encouraging them to do better. “Instead of saying, ‘You can't play the PC because you haven't finished your homework,’ you should try, ‘As soon as you’ve finished your homework, you can play,’” says Naia.

“Eat your food, there are starving children in the world.”

“It's a tough world, you better learn that now.”

“When you grow up you can do what you want. Now, it’s my rules.” 

According to both experts, moral lessons are used by parents to externalise the challenges they’ve encountered in their lives. However, kids often perceive them as punishment.

The problem: These statements tend to be generic and abstract, so children have a hard time understanding what they mean. “As we know from neuroscience, abstract thinking develops very slowly, between the ages of five and 25,” says Falcone. Instead, she suggests parents should give their kids more concrete examples they can relate to.

“Think, for example, of the phrase, ‘Eat your food, other kids are starving. The message we want to convey is to not take food for granted, but by wording it this way it seems like we’re blaming the child for events that have nothing to do with them.”

The solution: Naia says parents should introduce the concept of morality metaphorically through the help of fiction. “Playing, reading, looking at different characters in different situations – all this helps a child develop a sense of empathy,” Naia continues. Fictional stories also help kids imagine both positive and negative situations “with a safety net”.

“Why can’t you be more like your cousin? He’s so well-behaved.”

“You’re just like your father / mother.”

“You’re not good at this, let me do it.”

Falcone thinks many of these comparisons come from our mentality of prioritising productivity and success. “You must always live up to expectations, be better than others,” she says.

The problem: “As a child educator, I keep saying it's not a competition – every person is special and needs their own time,” says Falcone. “That's what every parent should internalise.” The fact that some behaviours are more spontaneous in one child doesn’t mean they will be as intuitive for others. Constantly comparing your child to other kids in their developmental stage will “risk undermining their self-esteem and confidence, both of which are necessary to face their future”, says Falcone. 

Similarly, parents often compare their kids to the other parent. The problem is that the child is being used as a conduit to make accusations towards an adult when they have nothing to do with the original conflict. 

The solution: Instead, parents can make comparisons with a child’s past selves to highlight their progress. For instance, you can use sentences like, “I'm happy because yesterday in the park you played with all the other kids and shared your toys,” Naia says. “In this case, as a parent, I’m emphasising what you’ve shown me you can do, things that are within your reach and are a part of you.”

“Don't cry like a little girl.”

“You are a young lady, you can’t do that.”

“This toy is not appropriate for you, let’s buy another one.”

As Naia says, “Interdisciplinary studies combing sociology, medicine and psychology show that gender roles and expressions are arbitrarily defined by the society we are immersed in.” While some things are considered masculine in one society, they might be coded feminine in another. And yet, overcoming these stereotypes is quite hard for adults because they are so embedded in their understanding of the world.

The problem: Parents often fear being shamed or judged by peers. “People find patterns reassuring, so seeing that your daughter behaves the same way as other girls her age makes us feel like good parents,” says Naia. However, enforcing strict roles can suffocate a child’s individuality and damage their self-esteem.

The solution: Adopting a gender-neutral upbringing and trying to eliminate stereotypes and words like “boy”, “girl”, “young lady” and “little man”, while favouring a play style where the kid is free to choose. The child will then experience different things, figuring out what they actually like.

“Children are extremely curious,” says Falcone. “They constantly change interests, they are like real scientists.” Preventing them from expressing themselves won’t allow them to grow.