Life

Are You Getting Any? Why I Don't Tell Guys I'm Asexual

Romance novel-obsessed Laura wishes there was more magic on dating apps.
Nana Baah
London, GB
January 18, 2021, 12:43pm
Laura Are You Getting Any
A screenshot of Laura.
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Welcome to 'Are You Getting Any?', a column that asks a generation rumoured not to fuck if they in fact fuck.

As the coronavirus pandemic continues, Are You Getting Any? interviews are conducted via video call.

LAURA, 26

Quality of sex overall: 0/10
Frequency of sex: 0/10
Intimacy levels: 0/10
How you feel generally about the people you fuck: 0/10
How happy you are with the amount of time you have for sex: 0/10

VICE: Hi, Laura. So, I know you’ve never had sex before, but how would you describe your sexuality?
Laura:
I’m asexual and panromantic. I love the idea of sex, like I think it’s a very interesting thing. I’m super sex positive, but pretty neutral when it comes to myself. I love hearing my friends tell me their stories, but whenever someone even gives me the bedroom eyes, I’m like, “No, get away.” So I want to have sex, but all the millions of tiny steps that it would take for me to get to that part, I don’t know how to do. 

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And romantically? 
I can see myself falling in love with everyone. This is so embarrassing to admit, but when I walk down the street and see literally anyone, I’m like: ‘Is this who I fall in love with?’

Are you an active dater? 
I’ll use dating apps for a month at a time, and then I get mad and delete them. Then, six months later, I’m like, ‘I should try again,’ then I delete again.

What sort of things make you want to delete them? 
I always get rid of it because I’m terrible at texting people. They would message back and I wouldn’t reply for three weeks, and they would un-match me. I’d tell myself, “You’ve got to reply” and then, between remembering and opening the app, I’d forget again because I have horrible ADHD. It’s more of a disservice to them, so it’s like: why do I keep trying this?

Laura AYGA screenshot

Laura says she couldn't have sex without feeling "intense love" first.

What’s meeting people in real life like for you? 
Since I’m asexual, even if I meet people in person, I never think dating and “other things” immediately. It’s not how it works for me. That’s also the thing about online dating, it’s that I feel like I’m lying because I don’t let them know that I’m asexual. How do you tell someone that nothing is going to happen ever? Or that it won’t unless a bajillion other things happen before? It’s really weird that way, and I’ve always felt like an imposter. 

Do you find the sexual element of dating is really highlighted online? 
It definitely is, especially on Tinder, because you see the pictures and it’s very visual first. A lot of people are very much like, “DTF, let’s get down to it.” I’m a very friendly person, so when I speak to people sometimes they think I’m interested. It’s very hard to put myself out there when I know that other people are thinking ‘sex, sex, sex’. I’m just like, “Ooh, does he like Pride & Prejudice?’ I just don’t know if there’s much space for me. 

Are you focused on finding a relationship?
Not focused, but I would absolutely like one! I’m very honest about it – I’m obsessed with trashy romance novels. I have a whole bookshelf over there with crappy books from Nora Roberts, Julia Quinn, Danielle Steele. I love Pride and Prejudice – it’s my favourite book and favourite movie. I love the idea of love, but to me love and sex are very separate. Actually, maybe I shouldn’t say that; I couldn’t have sex without intense love, if that makes sense. I actually did have one kind of romance, but it was completely unrequited, which is fine. But I had what’s known as a “squish”. 

What’s a squish?
In the asexual community, a squish is a crush on a friend. I didn’t want to have sex with him, I just loved him so much as a friend that I got all of the crush feelings of my heart pitter-pattering. He knows I’m asexual, though, and was really nice about it.

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How do people usually react when you tell them?
This is a very divided thing. Women are always like, “What, no way? OK cool.” Men, nine times out of ten, are like, “I’ll have sex with you.” So I do not tell guys. 

You mentioned romance novels before. Have you watched Bridgerton on Netflix?
Only like three times already!

It’s really interesting to watch that and then compare it with modern dating.
I totally wish that was a thing. I mean, the marriage-mart aspect of women having no agency or choice, heck no, I don’t need that. But I do wish it was an accepted thing to meet people in a public setting like that, with no expectations, and honestly not even allowing those expectations, like it would be imprudent or improper. 

I guess there’s nothing like that today. 
Well, when I lived in Costa Rica, I learned how to tango. When you dance the tango you learn how to do a milonga [a more relaxed version of the tango]. There are rules to it. You dance face to face, which I love. I never liked club dancing, where you’re, like, rubbing against each other. But I love that the rules are set, you get three dances with each partner, they have to ask you first, and once it’s done you leave and go get a drink. There’s no expectations other than that.