Maybe baseball is a slow sport. Maybe baseball requires so little effort that you can actually tape one of your players to a pole and they're not missing anything. Sure, all evidence points to that. But what I really think is going on is that this is a metaphor for watching sports on labor day weekend.
Here we are, begging for the sporting world to provide us with something—anything on this day without: college football, NFL, EPL, Bundesliga, La Liga, any soccer besides international friendlies. An MLB slump, no little league world series, no hurling (ok, there was some hurling), no jai-alai, no bobsled. The list of things that aren't happening right now is literally interminable. (I wrote about a squirrel today, for Christ's sake.)
So here we are, like Henry Owens, secured in some kind of Clockwork Orange media machine, letting sport pass in front of us, trying to laugh and hoping that Pablo Sandoval will cut the straps.
The good news: next weekend is going to be delightful.