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Drinking Like an Adult Involves More Than Self-Restraint

Drinking alcohol like a grown-ass adult is hard. You're older, wiser, and overall a better person (hopefully). This is why the ban on Palcohol does not affect you.
June 20, 2014, 6:14pm
Photo by Flickr user Cecilia Ortiz

Drinking alcohol like a grown-ass adult… It's hard. Some of my fondest memories are grabbing the nearest plastic bottle of whiskey, chugging it until I forget what year it is, and then making an attempt to prank call all the people I hated in middle school. However, that kind of drunken fun gets old real fast. Let's face it, there is a difference between drinking like an adult, and drinking like the "adult" you were in college. You're older, wiser, and overall a better person (hopefully). This is why New York's recent ban on Palcohol does not affect you. Although, I understand if it does a little. Of course, there's obvious etiquette to follow such as 'don't drive drunk,' have a designated driver, and don't yell at cops on the street. Here are some more rules to live by that will ensure you are a top-quality consumer of alcohol.

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Snack Responsibly Drinking heavily never fails to give oneself the desire to snack. Greasy, carb-filled grossness is all our brain wants once we've pounded enough liquor. However, responsible adults know that for the most part, our metabolism is not what it used to be. Frankly, my metabolism has never been quite good so I learned to snack healthy at an early age. Skip the late night fast food, or "fourth meal" as some people call it. You now have to wait until you get home and eat spinach. You will hate yourself while doing it, but will thank yourself in the morning. Or, I don't know, maybe you'll still hate yourself. If that's the case, maybe you have a problem alcohol can't solve? Ha, just kidding. Alcohol will solve all your problems, always.

Never Drink Tequila I can not be more serious about this. Stop. You must stop with the tequila, now. Has anything good ever happened after pounding tequila shots? The answer is no. Not only is tequila disgusting, but you really shouldn't be getting into a pattern of licking salt off your hand every time you go out. You're at an age now where you know better where that hand has been.

Have Cash If you prefer to drink at dive bars, this is especially important. Most of them are cash only, and frankly it's easier. Bars that do accept credit cards usually have a minimum, and once you start a tab there's no telling how many more drinks you're going to have. It's almost like bars do this on purpose or something? If you're on any sort of budget, take out a specific amount of cash you're ready to spend for the night and don't allow yourself to take out any more. Limiting yourself of more fun is very adult, very responsible.

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Expand Your Tastes As great as your usual bottle of beer, or your simple whiskey and coke is, it's nice to switch things up every now and then. Familiarize yourself with cocktails, and know what things like "bitters" and "vermouth" are. Having knowledge of the most basic cocktails is valuable. You can't go your whole life not knowing what a martini, or an Old Fashioned tastes like. Sidenote: if you haven't done it yet, order some Fernet and watch your bartender quickly become your best friend.

Quit Drunk Dialing I know it's hard, but it has to stop. Your ex is not interested in hearing about your life at three o'clock in the morning, and they definitely do not miss you too. Drunk booty-calls can be just as bad, though admittedly tend to have a higher success rate. It's hard to stop yourself from drunk dialing once you're already drunk, and you can't leave your phone at home. So to really make yourself stop, you have to have will power. Good luck.

Don't Be a Snob You know what every dark beer there is smells and tastes like. You can identify it by froth alone. You've made more than one mixologist cry for getting something wrong. You're a connoisseur, which is impressive, but not shutting up about it—that's annoying. You don't have to prove yourself every time you go out for a drink.

No More Beer Pong Anything drinking-related that also occurs at frat parties needs to stop. This includes keg stands, and misogyny as well. Drinking games are fun, and yes you should still engage in a lot of them, but beer pong is not included. It's time now to just play regular ping pong and drink while doing so.

Breakfast Alcohol Consuming alcoholic beverages is not solely a night-time activity. What's brunch without a mimosa or a screwdriver? A good Bloody Mary can actually be breakfast. Have some wine with lunch, or beer with dinner. It's never a bad time to get a buzz going. That's the key: get just the tiniest of a buzz going. Getting full-on drunk before noon—that's back to being an irresponsible drinker. I hope my aunt Grace is reading this.