Subway—the international sandwich peddler and inadvertent yoga mat purveyor—is having a colossally shitty year. Of course you know that Jared Fogle, the weight-loss spokesman upon whose shoulders Subway has, for the last fifteen years, built its empire, recently agreed to plead guilty to charges of possessing child pornography and crossing state lines to pay for sex with minors. But the Jared problem is just one—albeit the most publicized—in the long list of Subway's worries this year.
Yesterday, the company learned an invaluable lesson in running a multinational franchise in modern society: Hell truly hath no fury like a naked woman high on Spice. This sage industry secret was unveiled to Subway after an Alaskan woman rubbed her shit all over the floor of one of their franchises.
NBC local affiliate KTUU reports that 35-year-old Nikki Abrell allegedly took off all her clothing and began to completely fucking trash a Subway store in Anchorage, Alaska last night. Anchorage Police Department spokesperson Anita Shell told KTUU that Abrell arrived at a Subway at around 5 PM and locked herself in the bathroom of a Subway for around two hours, refusing to come out.
But come out she did… eventually. Around 7 PM, Abrell emerged from the bathroom sans clothing and promptly began to get her mosh on by yanking down ceiling tiles, breaking and throwing furniture, and finally flinging about any foodstuff she could find. In what may be the understatement of the year, Police Sargeant Shaun Henry said, "People described her as 'a little crazy." You think?
— KTUU.com (@Ch2KTUU) October 14, 2015
Sergeant Henry continued: "She disrobed, went fully nude and kinda just went nuts. Started breaking furniture, destroyed the store, knocked over computers, ripped the ceiling down, sprayed a fire extinguisher all over, locked herself in the bathroom for awhile, broke just about everything you could find."
One employee reported finding human excrement smeared into the franchises' floor. Police believe Abrell may have smoked K2 or "Spice"—a type of synthetic marijuana—before the rampage began. She was taken to a local hospital for treatment after being arrested.
A witness, Anchorage resident Tina Anaya, said that she pulled up to the Subway to pick up a sandwich for dinner before noticing the spectacle. "When I pulled up, I saw a bunch of the Subway workers outside and I thought they were taking a smoke break," Anaya exclaimed. "But when I looked inside there was a naked woman literally tearing the place apart. I thought there was a fire in the restaurant because it looked smoky in there but it turns out she had just set off a fire extinguisher inside," she said. Wisely, Anaya kept her distance: "I really didn't want to get anywhere near her. She was smearing feces all over stuff."
MUNCHIES reached out for comment from Subway of Alaska, but they never responded.
Yes, it has been a worst-of-times scenario for Subway of late. Last year, Subway's sales dropped 3 percent, despite opening 778 new stores. Their results were the worst of any of America's top 25 food chains. And in August, the aforementioned Jared Fogle ordeal reached a head when he copped a plea and pled guilty. In September, Subway CEO and co-founder Fred DeLuca died prematurely at the age of 67.
But the bad news keeps coming: Just today it was widely reported that one Oregon man ordered an Italian sub at his local Subway and got an unexpected addition to his sandwich: a dead rodent. The creature was nestled softly between the pillowy halves of what appears to be a six-inch Italian sub. "It was wet and dead," Jay Armstead told ABC News. "His tail was curled up and you could see his front teeth."
Rodents, criminals, rampaging spice lovers—oh my. Subway is, more and more each day, coming to resemble the New York City transportation system for which it was named.
And that's not a good thing for a business that sells food.