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(pronounced: trick-o-mon-eye-a-sis)

(pronounced: urea-plas-ma urea-lit-e-cum)

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(pronounced: skay-bees)

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(pronounced: hep-cee)

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(pronounced: don-oh-van-oh-sis) What is it? A bacterial infection contracted from oral, anal and vaginal sex, that causes large, sore, fleshy growths or ulcers over the genitals, groin and inner thighs. If left untreated for too long, the bacteria will basically eat away your vagina/penis/balls. Google it, I dare you. Have you got it? Very, very unlikely – this infection is mainly endemic to developing countries in sub-tropical regions. Last year, there was just one reported case in the UK (contracted from abroad) and only 100 in the entire USA. Cure: I know you're not expecting me to say it's curable, but good news, a month of trusty antibiotics should clear this right up. It’s important to get a check up around a month after treatment because it can reappear, but I imagine if you've contracted this one then you'll be furiously testing yourself for STDs on an hourly basis for the rest of your life.Did I scare you enough? Well, I hope not, because it's not scary. Just remember to take advantage of the free healthcare we're all very lucky to have, and get yourself tested regularly. Go on, schedule an appointment during work hours. You're worth it.Related:Column – Bollocks to the Hippocratic OathAn HIV-Positive Escort Goes Deep into Berlin's Bareback SceneThe VICE Guide to Dating Rich Girls