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Guys think we’re attracted to assholes because that’s their only defence for when we dump them. When girls are rejected we turn it inward and blame ourselves for not being prettier. That’s our bad, we know. But when dudes are rejected they makes grand statements like, “Women love guys that are assholes, they don’t care about us nice guys!” And then that grand statement spreads like the wave at a Yankees game and next thing you know it’s written in fucking stone because dudes are able to write stuff in stone! Yes, they have that much power. We don’t want you to push our heads down to your crotch area when you want a blowjob, but we also don’t want you to cry and write shitty emo poetry and paint our portrait in pastels. It’s just that there’s only a teeny wading pool in between the lake of total assholes and the bay of fucking pussies, so sometimes when we’re horny we’ll take what we can get. Ultimately we all want the same things: Good sex ’n’ giggles. So learn how to eat pussy and start memorising lines from Will Ferrell comedies like your sex life depends on it. Because it does. Honourable mentions: Apple (the one that Eve ate), Andie from Pretty in Pink, Ally Sheedy LAHNIK, MANOLO
What’s the big whoop with these things? We’ve never been able to justify spending half our rent on a pair of shoes so we have no idea and guess what? We don’t care. Have you ever seen a foot come out of a high heel after several hours of wear? Not a pretty sight, no matter how expensive the shoe. It’s like you crammed five sweaty, naked, fat people into a phone booth. They are red, puffy and pissed off. Don’t get us wrong, we like heels. Dress-up is fun. But we also like not having bunions and toes that will eventually look like Teen Wolf’s fingers. So save the heels for museum galas and dancing naked for your boyfriend and rethink the penny loafer. They’re sexier than you think! Honourable mentions: Babies, birth-control pills, brides, biological determinism, Betty & Veronica, baking, Bring It On
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Are we the only ones who find the popularity of $10,000 handbags with WASPy names like “The Clive” or “The Eliza” disturbing? Seriously, it’s a place to put your tampons. I mean, true, girls love a cute purse. It’s because a purse is a metaphor for a vagina – it’s small and velvety and pretty and you want to put things in it again and again and again. Still, our criteria for a good bag are: a) lots of zippered pockets, and b) big enough to fit all our crap inside because, like Alison in The Breakfast Club says, “You never know when you may have to jam.” If it happens to have a cute heart pattern on it and lots of shiny things hanging off it, then yay, bonus. But really, like they always say, it’s what’s inside that counts – carry useful things in your purse and lend them freely. People will be impressed by your generosity and resourcefulness! Much more so than they would be by a price tag, anyway. Honourable mentions: Xanadu, Xena: Warrior Princess (we miss that show every day) OU
You are a girl! You are a gift, a rainbow, a ray of sunlight and a fresh summer breeze. You give life and eat forbidden apples with pride and determination. You are beautiful and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. As a girl there are a few simple commandments. One of them is that jealousy kills girl-love, so the next time you and a bunch of your girlfriends gang up against another girl and make her cry because she hooked up with your ex, just remember that it’s really not cool to do that! You don’t even care about Kevin anyway, YOU dumped HIM! Another thing to remember is, “Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.” Sitting on the sidewalk while Mandy holds your hair back while you puke is not a good look! In all seriousness though, you are a girl so you should be siked. Give your man a great idea and don’t be surprised when he turns to his friends and says, “Hey man, why don’t you listen to my great idea?” Since you’re a girl you won’t mind because that’s how we roll. Do you think Yoko cared when she told John Lennon about peace and he acted like he invented the damn thing? No, she didn’t. You’re smart. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. You know the truth, so stop acting like you don’t already. It’s giving the rest of us a bad rep. Honourable mentions: Yoko Ono, yeast infections, yogurt ODIAC
“Oh my gosh, you are SUCH a Libra!” Sandra said after she showed me where the frozen-yoghurt machine was in the caff. It was my first day working for Mr. Spencer, the top dog at the law firm were I had landed my first real secretarial job. Oops, I mean “executive assistant”. Gosh, I’m so forgetful, I guess I truly am a Libra after all! Sandra was so sweet. After she offered me a Diet Coke she told me where I could hide my Reeboks. “Mr. Spencer makes sure all his girls wear pumps but I know it’s only natch to wear ’boks, just don’t let him see you.” Thank gosh Sandra was a Gemini. We were compatible as lifelong friends. I just knew I was going to make it in Big Apple city! Honourable mentions: Zines, zero (the number of girls who think Fletch is funny) Are you an uncouth numbskull who doesn't know how to behave in polite society? Have some more VICE Guides:A Beginners' Guide to Drugs for GirlsAn Etiquette Guide for Straight People in Gay BarsThe VICE Guide to PartyingThe VICE Guide to Giving HeadThe VICE Guide to Eating PussyA Slob's Guide to Critical Theory