
Advertisement

a) Take some pictures.
b) Privately admire the Hanseatic beauty of this noble trading port.
c) Discuss its topography with a companion.
d) Carpet-bombing. Night and day. Two-hundred-thousand tonnes of high incendiaries and explosives. Make it so that it sucks the air out of the place and they asphyxiate in their homes. You are colonising India when suddenly a mutiny breaks out. Do you:
a) Retreat to base.
b) Negotiate to cede parts of territory to a federation of autonomous self-government under the Crown.
c) Withdraw in exchange for self-determination in areas containing British subjects.
d) Strap natives to cannons and blow their guts out. Who was the first Briton to have Sky TV?
a) Danny Baker
b) Chris Tarrant
c) Noel Edmonds
d) Trevor Nelson Which of the following wars did Britain not win single-handedly?
a) The First World War
b) The Second World War
c) Vietnam
d) The war for lower prices SECTION TWO: CIVICS
Advertisement

a) Why you asking me?
b) Giveafuck?
c) Some old cunt.
d) Fuck off.What is the maximum amount of housing benefit you are entitled to if you are scamming the system?
a) A holiday in Majorca.
b) A jetski and a titjob.
c) A titjob, a jetski, a holiday to Majorca, a new telly with that 3D.
d) A titjob, a jetski, a holiday to Majorca, a new telly with that 3D and a two-page splash on it all in The Sun when things turn south. Sexual assault:
a) Cheeky.
b) Cheeky, cheeky.
c) Get in there, my son.
d) Yeah, go on then. Who is David Cameron?
a) A fascist pig.
b) A soft as shite closet liberal who's sold his party out to the wets.
c) Of course my family already had a baronetcy back when his ancestors were still serf pig farmers up to their knees in the Lincolnshire dung.
d) Well he's just the same as all the rest, isn't he; Labour, Tory, they're all the same. Which of the following is not a quote by David Cameron?
a) And that is why I've decided that we will shoot one in ten until the culprit is found.
b) Look, I've listened patiently to your pointless anecdotes all evening. Can we fuck now?
c) Of course not. There's no need to actually exterminate them, just stop them from reproducing.
d) Mother? What is Scotland?
a) It's a sort of a metaphor for otherness.
b) Like Ireland, but more depressing.
c) It's weird, they have Sky but they call it Setanta because of the local language.
d) Like Wales, but they drive on the left. SECTION THREE: POPULAR CULTURE
Advertisement
a) The one that was ginger.
b) The one that wasn't the tall blonde one.
c) The one that was the tall blonde one.
d) The one that assaulted the toilet cleaner. Which of the following is not a quote by William Shakespeare?
a) You can't fit quicker than a Kwik-Fit fitter.
b) It's Chico time.
c) I don't smoke da reee-fa-fa-fa-fa.
d) Please place the item in the bagging area. Which of the following is well known in British comedy for his silly walks?
a) Stephen Hawking
b) Simon Weston
c) Heather Mills
d) David Blunkett What the hell is Chaucer on about?
a) Something to do with pilgrims?
b) He met a man with seven wives, or something.
c) I think it's German.
d) Did somebody already say pilgrims? The Turner Prize:
a) Well of course it's not art.
b) My three-year-old niece has brought home better stuff from her daycare. And that's just in her nappies.
c) Taking the piss, innit.
d) Wankers congratulating each other for being wankers. Who is the worst man in Britain today?
a) Peter Sutcliffe
b) Levi Bellfield
c) Roy Whiting
d) The guy from the BT ads. What percentage of Wayne Rooney is edible?
a) 0 percent – on account of the toxins he naturally secretes.
b) 9 percent – knuckles, knees, any sorta cartilage, basically.
c) 21 percent – if you boil the bits that don't have a greeny-coppery tinge to them.
d) 23 percent – as above, but leave his shoes on.
Advertisement
