How to survive three car accidents in an hour

Be a 69-year-old German lady apparently. The unnamed woman left seven vehicles in her wake as she escaped with minor injuries.

Firstly she crashed her own car into three other cars whilst leaving a supermarket car park on the Baltic island Usedom. Distressed at the carnage, but clearly not finished, she poured her trauma into the accelerator and careered across the lawn of a nearby house, crashing into the front of it. An ambulance arrived to treat her, but naturally that vehicle was then hit by a truck en-route to the local hospital.

"She was actually fortunate that no one was seriously hurt in any of the accidents," said the police spokesman Axel Falkenberg, "the accidents were a little bit like dominoes toppling…" Yes, toppling from God's finger tips as he vainly tries to extinguish this witch woman from his planet. Ten quid says her hospital bed caught alight, her hair tried to choke her, and when that didn't work a tidal wave of locusts and bullets swallowed the whole bloody island. Christ knows what her crime was, but it's a lesson not to fuck with the G.O.D.