Gifts for Dudes

BY JASON CROMBIE
ILLUSTRATIONS BY ANDY SINBOY

Dudes are the most difficult people to find gifts for; consequently, many of them receive things like Barnes & Noble gift vouchers and socks during the holiday season. Being a dude myself, I can safely tell you that these gifts suck fat balls. They smack of thoughtlessness, and as we all know, thought is the most important thing. It’s what counts. Admittedly, there’s not a huge range of cool stuff out there for the average chap, so as a service to both you and all my brothers out there, I’ve composed a list of the most awesome gift ideas ever in the history of the holiday season. Check it out.

UNDERPANTS

www.bjornborg.com, $26

Well, duh. Underpants. Who doesn’t like new underpants? Just make sure they’re the right size and they don’t suck. Personally, I like Bjorn Borg because they fit the best. Don’t get me boxer shorts. They make me feel all dangly and vulnerable. I like my junk to be swaddled like a little baby mouse.

A KEY WEST MARLIN-FISHING HOLIDAY

www.expedia.com, $250,000

I’m just putting this one out there. I know it’s a major long shot, but a marlin-fishing jaunt in the Caribbean would be just about the best thing anyone could ever give me for Christmas. If you’re lucky, your girlfriend is Ivanka Trump or something, and she’d give you a boat too. Fuck. That would be sweet.

GAMO PT-80 TACTICAL AIR PISTOL

www.airgundepot.com, $135

I don’t like killing things, but I do like to sting ’em real bad! You ever shoot a dog in the bum with an air rifle? Sure, it’s a mean thing to do. It’s downright evil! But man, is it funny! And with the laser sight on this thing, you should be able get ’em right on the cigar burn. Ping! Aawerooooo!

COOPER’S MICROBREWERY KIT

www.makebeer.net, $100

Even if it tastes worse than alligator piss, nothing beats making your own beer! My dad brews his own beer and it’s disgusting, but my God, does it make him happy! You should see him desperately trying to say “Ahhhh” after a mouthful of that revolting gutter water. It’s hilarious.

A FOX YOU CAN KEEP AS A PET!

Some exotic pet store, $1,500

Jesus Christmas. I almost loaded my pants when I saw this cute little bugger for sale at the local pet shop. It’s a fennec fox and it’s the best thing you could ever give anyone. Just look at it. What the fuck is going on with that cute little head and those big stupid ears? It’s a fox! And you pet it! I want to crush it but it’s too expensive.

IOLITE PORTABLE WEED VAPORIZER

$249

This is awesome, and yes, you could just roll a joint, but then you’d have to find the energy to actually to suck on it, so why not vaporize? It’s better for your lungs, and if the cops see you walking down the street they’ll think you’re just playing a sawn-off melodica. Automatic bong = good.

A HYDRO SETUP

www.homegrown-hydroponics.com, $750-a lot more

Why give the dope man hundreds of dollars every week when you could just grow your own in the privacy of a secret cupboard in your home? Nothing says “I love you” better than the gift of a hydroponic grow box, and if you buy one of these for that special someone, he’ll just have to give you free grass for as long as he’s growing it! Nice.

SEX IN A CAN BY FLESHLIGHT

www.fleshlight.com, $40

This is a vagina in a can. You put your willy inside and it feels good. Then you rinse it out with cold water. Now, before you ladies start going “Eww,” let me remind you that a dildo is basically a disembodied penis, and Jeffrey Dahmer kept those under his bed too. Ipso facto: You’re way creepier.

LINDE WERDELIN OKTOPUS DIVE WATCH

www.lindewerdelin.com, $8,760

Even if you’ve never scuba dived, nothing says “I scuba dive” better than a scuba-diving watch. They’re so cool. Why would you wear anything else but a big manly man’s dive watch? God sakes, man! Be a man and get a man’s watch like this one, man!

LEATHERMAN SUPER TOOL 300

www.leatherman.com, $80

This one’s almost a cliché gift idea for a dude. You might even think it’s boring, but it’s not. If you’re desperately trying to find a gift for a man and you know he doesn’t have one of these—just get him one. He’ll appreciate it and you every time he needs to cut, screw, saw, or stab something. This is a good one.

YOOSTAR AMATEUR GREEN-SCREEN KIT

www.yoostar.com, $170

You have to admit this would be fun. Running around the Temple of Doom with Indiana Jones, dancing with Uma in

Pulp Fiction

, fantastic. The first thing I’d do with this, however, is live my life-long dream of waving my balls in Forrest Gump’s face. “Life’s like a box of chocolates.” Is it? Well, suck on these bonbons, spazmo.

THIS SODASTREAM THAT LOOKS LIKE A PENGUIN

www.sodastreamusa.com, $200

When I was a tike there was a kid around the corner named Mitchell who had a SodaStream… and a trampoline, and a pool, and an Atari, and an electric guitar, and pretty much every He-Man they ever made. Naturally, I hated him. But in the summer all the neighborhood kids would go to his house and live it up, and we’d start each day with a hit from the SodaStream. Deeelicious. I still want one of these.

KHYAM IGLOO TENT FOR THE COMPRESSION SESSION (CLAMBAKE)

www.khyam.co.uk, $200

Never underestimate the gift-giving power of the tent. Even if your dude friend has never been, or even mentioned, camping, trust me, he’ll love you for giving him a tent. The best tent, in my opinion, is the igloo tent, because you can set it up in your living room and use it for the “compression session” (clambake). Pair this with the vaporizer and be the greatest girlfriend anyone ever had.

A HAMMOCK

www.hammocks.com, $100-a lot more

Do I actually have to write something here to convince you that a hammock is the greatest gift you could give a man without chapping your lips? A hammock is like the dude version of… whatever it is girls do when they want to lapse into and out of consciousness and fart. Get him a hammock.