Okay, The Raconteurs are good and everything but the main reason so many people went to see them play in London this week is because of Jack White. As a rapper would say: "He's one of the best that did it."There's the amazing guitar playing, his superstar stage presence, and that cheeky grin coupled with a genuine intensity and soul that makes you think: "I wish he was my friend." You can count on one hand the number of rock frontmen who make you feel like that.Another BIG feature of Jack's many talents is, perversely, never really mentioned in any of the articles the papers and magazines write about him. The reason?
Umm … that HUGE FUCKING DICK?A gay friend who witnessed the recent secret show at the Vinyl Factory in Poland St reported: "I'd read a rumour or two in NME about the size of his willy but when I came close to Jack and checked out this crotch, I saw a thing I can only describe as if like Hercules stuffed a Grand Piano into a sausage skin made out of iron."See? That's why there's only two people in The White Stripes. There's no space for anybody else when that gigantic apendage wallops onto stage, bursting at the seams of his tight red pants.Girls will confirm this, but in reality there's only about 2 per cent of men with perfectly shaped, eight inch penises that look like Michaelangelo sculpted them out of the finest marble known to humanity, and beyond. So, unless Jack is sticking an aubergine down there, then that fucker is blessed with God's Own Dick. I wouldn't be surprised if Al Qaeda tried to fly a plane into it.Ach. It's so annnoying. The White Stripes is one of VICE's bands but every time we write about them, the same stuff always comes up. Sowwy.What about this DVD review we ran in the Sex Issue? We wrote that because White Stripes music made us think of huge hard swinging dicks and firm big tits bumping into each other and having a great time together all night long. Where's the harm in that?"Seven Nation Army"? Does that riff not sound like an elephant's dick walloping around its loins as it runs across the desert in order to find a mate? Imagine it. Elephant dicks are SEVERAL FEET long. Only the hippo and the whale can compete. It's true.
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Umm … that HUGE FUCKING DICK?A gay friend who witnessed the recent secret show at the Vinyl Factory in Poland St reported: "I'd read a rumour or two in NME about the size of his willy but when I came close to Jack and checked out this crotch, I saw a thing I can only describe as if like Hercules stuffed a Grand Piano into a sausage skin made out of iron."See? That's why there's only two people in The White Stripes. There's no space for anybody else when that gigantic apendage wallops onto stage, bursting at the seams of his tight red pants.Girls will confirm this, but in reality there's only about 2 per cent of men with perfectly shaped, eight inch penises that look like Michaelangelo sculpted them out of the finest marble known to humanity, and beyond. So, unless Jack is sticking an aubergine down there, then that fucker is blessed with God's Own Dick. I wouldn't be surprised if Al Qaeda tried to fly a plane into it.Ach. It's so annnoying. The White Stripes is one of VICE's bands but every time we write about them, the same stuff always comes up. Sowwy.What about this DVD review we ran in the Sex Issue? We wrote that because White Stripes music made us think of huge hard swinging dicks and firm big tits bumping into each other and having a great time together all night long. Where's the harm in that?"Seven Nation Army"? Does that riff not sound like an elephant's dick walloping around its loins as it runs across the desert in order to find a mate? Imagine it. Elephant dicks are SEVERAL FEET long. Only the hippo and the whale can compete. It's true.