Either way, I'll never come close to attaining those numbers again. Well, this week I present to you a groundbreaking thesis statement: Porn chicks are duh! I'd go so far as to say SUPER DUH!
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A backyard barbecue-themed porno called: PUSSY ON ROTISSERIE!
It's effing great, right?
What's better than that?
Nothing.
"PUSSY ON ROTISSERIE!" I screamed into the phone.
"It doesn't even rhyme," She said.
"FUCK YOU. It does so. They both end in the ee sound!"
Then she went and asked her porn star boyfriend what he thought. She came back and said he didn't like it.
I told her, straight up, "Yous guys don't know awesome. And I need to find myself a new circle of friends."
Then I hung up.
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But that day a porn star saved my life. She emailed me back, "That's awesome."
And just then all was right with the world.
I told her she was a nice lady that understood genius. I also said she should come to my house and shove my baby's new crib up her butt so that one day when he turns 18 I could have a funny story to tell him: "Boy, remember that white crib you had as a child…?"