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Vice Blog

VANCOUVER - COMEDIANS: THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE AROUND

Remember that GQ article where the guy decides that he wants to find a black friend because he only has two, so he puts an ad up on Craigslist? Well, that's kind of how I feel about comedians, except that I already know not to ask to touch their hair. But I really want to be friends with one. How couldn't I? Comedians are the funniest people around! They make you laugh! It's the best. I didn't want to put an ad up on Craigslist, so instead I contacted Dave Shumka and Graham Clark, hosts of Stop Podcasting Yourself, to see if they could give me some insight into how to make friends with my very own comedian. It turns out that if Dave and Graham are any indication, comedians don't like me. Plain and simple. So fuck that.

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Vice: Why don't comedians want to be friends with me? Should I take it personally?

Dave: Yes.

Well, maybe there are some hobbies or some interests I could take up to make me more attractive to comedians? Devil Sticks? I could learn to juggle? Or--

Graham: Having a car is good.

I don't have a car.

Dave: Watch Deadliest Warrior. Destroyed In Seconds. Intervention. Those kinds of shows that are about tragedy.

Graham: Deadliest Warrior isn't about tragedy. It's about being the best that you can be in the realm of being a warrior.

Dave: Next week is Pirate vs Knight.

Graham: No, that's this week.

I haven't seen that. I don't have a TV.

Dave: She's a TV-totaller.

I don't mean it like, "I don't have a TV" I just, you know, don't have one. It's not a statement.

Graham: Drinking seems popular with comics. As does smoking pot.

I can do that! So if I took up the hobby of remaining intoxicated and anti-social then I could make more comedian friends?

Dave: What else do comics do that you can do? I dunno. You have a pretty bad record.

I know. I don't know what's wrong.

Dave: I don't know any comic who doesn't dislike you.

Well, is there some sort of rite of passage that all comedians have to go through that makes them funny, like being bullied or unattractive? Because I was once bullied and ugly.

Dave: Yeah, for 30 years.

That was a real zinger. That's what makes you the comedian I guess.

Graham: That's the new trend actually. There's a lot of really good-looking people doing stand-up. When you watch clips from the 80s, everybody was pretty hideous. Now there's really good-looking people doing it. So that's not a factor anymore. I guess being bullied is the old standby.

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Okay, let's talk about the UFC. What do comedians have against it? Because it seems like every show I've ever been to, someone takes a swipe at the UFC.

Dave: I think it goes back to the thing about being bullied. But there are tough guy comedians.

Do you know of any UFC fighter comedians?

Graham: Yeah, Joe Rogan.

Dave: I know two or three in training.

I went bowling one night with this professional tennis player and she was having the worst time at it. We realized it was because tennis and bowling are complete opposites--the movement, the weight of the ball, one's indoor, one's outdoor. That's kind of how I see comedians and the UFC. Instead of taking someone down with Spine Crack, you're taking them down with a joke.

Graham: I think being a monk would be the opposite of being a comic.

So, to summarize, what do I need to do to be friends with a comedian?

Dave: Do you ever think that you're the problem?

Graham: Why do you want to be friends with comedians?

'Cause they're funny, they're great!

Dave: They are not. Just appreciate them from afar. Just appreciate a comedian from the audience.

So they don't want to be my friend?

Graham: You should start hanging out with architects. I hear they're a good bunch. Smart. Varied interests. They like to keep in shape. Good fixed schedule. Good fixed income. Go to nice parties.

ELIANNA LEV