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Vice Blog

LONDON - MEET YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND


Recently my job has required me to cruise the internet for sex toys for men, leaving me with a wider knowledge of my male friends than I would ever have desired. There are videos explaining how to make a realistic vagina with sponges and a KFC bucket, a condom, a sofa cushion, fruit, anything big enough to encase an erection basically. But there was one contraption that stole my heart. This is definitely my favourite wank machine. Here's your new girlfriend. Isn't she pretty?

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This is a fan, a chair, (which you probably think isn't necessary, but just you wait), a tube of bubble wrap, some masking tape, and a non-descript box. I don't know what's in the box, I don't speak much Japanese.

OK, here's how to do it. Take the top off the fan. If you don't you're stupid, it won't work, and you'll end up in hospital with a dick like a cat o' nine tails.

I am not too sure what the above means. "Unscrew this white thing so there's a cock-sized hole," probably.

Mold yourself a bubble-wrap sleeping-bag for your penis cack-handedly winding the masking tape about like you have no fingers. Be careful of the large spike you are attaching it to though.

So you're sitting on the chair looking at the masterpiece you've created. Make sure you do have a chair, as at this moment it's pretty much key to what is about to happen. Remember, the best sex is  all about anticipation. You have to really want her. Also remember that you're much better without that uncaring bitch who just left you (why else would you be doing this unless you were very, very single?), you'll be far happier with your spooky fan-chair-tape-bubble-wrap pleasure gizmo. Ok, in the mood? Ready, set…

GO GO GO GO GO!

ALISON SEVERS