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It’s easy to criticize wide receivers for dropping passes or quarterbacks for missing throws, but a lot of times offensive linemen suck and they don’t get noticed by the general public. Take Jeromey Clary, for instance. The San Diego right tackle is terrible. He is just a big ol’ mound of garbage out there and guys run right past him. Last week, he did his regular thing and let his pass rusher through, then when Philip Rivers tried to throw the ball away, Jeromey caught the ball way behind the line of scrimmage instead of batting it down, costing his team eight yards for no reason. He did literally everything wrong on the play, and Philip Rivers can be seen going “No no no, what are you dooooooooing??!” during the disaster:
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PICK: San DiegoMiami (-2.5) at Indianapolis
You ever think that maybe the offensive linemen on Miami are jealous of the O-line players from Indianapolis? Not because they like auto racing or whatever, but I bet it gets annoying being a super fat guy in Florida and sweating all the time in the club and stuff. And then you have to go to the beach and everyone looks at you and you’re like, “I’m supposed to look like this. It’s my job.”
PICK: IndianapolisBuffalo (+10.5) at Houston
And we are back with another installment of BEHIND THE STATS, breaking down the game in terms a non-expert can understand. This installment of BEHIND THE STATS: Houston is awesome, Buffalo is terrible, and it’s not crawfish season yet, so if you’re tailgating, stick to ribs.
PICK: HoustonDenver (-4) at Cincinnati
These two teams always make me think of candy corn. I’m not sure why. Maybe because it’s Halloween and they incorporate a lot more orange in their uniforms than most teams? Maybe it’s because watching the Bengals makes me taste chalk, just like candy corn.
PICK: CincinnatiBaltimore (-3.5) at Cleveland
Want to see something more entertaining than what’s sure to be a defense-dominated, turnover-filled game? It’s sort of related to the Browns (via Jon Bois):PICK: ClevelandDetroit (-3.5) at Jacksonville
So you know how the NFL has played one game a year in London because it seems like a funny thing to do? Well, they recently announced that the Jacksonville Jaguars would be playing four “home” games in London, in order to “sell Jacksonville to the world.” No shit. Jacksonville is the least popular team in the NFL, so I guess the hope is that the Brits will get attached to the team because they like terrible crap like cricket and chip butties. This is like when you have a really ugly, depressed friend and you try to set him up with pretty much anyone in hopes that he will cheer up. Something tells me that if England doesn’t like good football, they really won’t like the Jags.
PICK: Detroit
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Question for all the girls reading this column: This girl I know keeps telling me I look like Aaron Rodgers. OK, that’s not really a question. I just wanted to brag to y’all that I do actually look like Aaron Rodgers, even though I don’t weigh like 250 pounds—I bet I could, though, if I lived in Green Bay and just housed cheese all day.
PICK: Green BayChicago (-3.5) at TennesseeHey, the Titans are bad right now, but they used to be good and they’re pretty popular… I wonder if there are any good songs about the team, especially given the rich musical history of their state. Let’s google around a bit and…
Huh. That was a song about the Titans, all right.PICK: ChicagoCarolina (+3) at Washington
You know, some things are more important than football. And out of respect for those things, I’m not going to talk about football here. Plus, I don't know anything about this game.
PICK: Obama wins the electionMinnesota (+5) at Seattle
These franchises have had some success in the past and are both decent this year, but usually the media pretty much ignores them thanks to that EAST COAST MEDIA BIAS. “Hey, let’s write another article about why the Jets aren’t any good this season! Oh, the Vikings are a top five team in the NFC and Seattle has a great defense and a promising young quarterback? Ehhh, I don’t think anyone lives in those cities. Let’s ignore ‘em.”
PICK: Minnesota
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On the other hand, the media is right to ignore these teams. I just barfed all over my keyboard thinking about this game.
PICK: Oakland, or maybe they’ll just cancel this onePittsburgh (+3.5) at New York Giants
Tim Tebow is going to be elected to office at some point. He’s a good looking extremely evangelical Christian with name recognition who’s popular in Florida; he could be president if they decide that his being born in the Philippines isn’t a problem. But what about another New York quarterback—could Eli Manning be a politician? He’s pretty popular, and look at him survey the damage from the hurricane:

Atlanta is pretty good but not that good, they’ll lose sometime. Maybe it'll be this week if the Cowboys aren't terrible the way they sometimes are. I'm sorry, it's been a long day, I can't think of anything else to say about this one.
PICK: DallasPhiladelphia (+3) at New Orleans
The Eagles are bad. Their defense is lousy. Andy Reid is talking about benching Michael Vick for Nick Foles, who—haha, oh man, you want to see a fairly underwhelming highlight reel set to the Hives? Here you go. But New Orleans has a defense that is frightened of loud noises and bees, and Drew Brees has traded his laser-cannon of an arm for a regular cannon. This game is going to be like that quote from The Wire when Prez says, “No one wins, one side just loses more slowly.” OH SHIT WAS THAT A METAPHOR FOR THE WAR ON DRUGS?!
PICK: PhiladelphiaPrevious week's record: 7-6-1Overall record: 60-53-5Previously: The Children Are Our Future… Quarterbacks
